I hate my body, and I'm not just talking about the near 30 pounds I've packed on as a result of the myriad of anti-depressants I've been on. I hate that it hurts every single day and no one knows why. I hate that I've seen a rheumatologist, an orthopedist, a shrink, a therapist... no one knows why it's happening, and no one has offered me any relief. None at all. Nothing works. Lorcet scarcely even works anymore, and OTC stuff sure as hell doesn't. My body is a sinking ship, and no one can save it. I want to hurt it even more. My body has betrayed me, and all I want is an MF'ing answer. Is that too much to ask?

Oh yeah... and the physical therapists wont take my insurance.

I'm now the office pariah...

So, about four months ago at work, we had a shift bid and I was assigned a new manager and a few new faces that I sat near (I work in a call center of a couple hundred). The gal that sat next to me (across the cube wall) and I struck up an instant "office friendship" (we never hung out outside of work but we were very friendly). She is a huge Twilight fan too. She and I were really cool. She kept joking around that Dav and I need to go ahead and have kids since we've been married so long.

Then.

I had a series of panic attacks at work. Two or three over the course of a few days. I have a myriad of mental health problems: obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety, depression, and rapid cycling bipolar disorder. Well, I've finally found a combination of meds that seem to work (two anti depressant/ssri's, two benzos- xanax and klonopin, and an antipsychotic for the bipolar - abilify). Anyway, ever since then... this gal has turned cold toward me. Half the time, she doesn't even answer me when I have a question. When she does, she usually gives short, facetious responses. Gone are the days of banter about cute celebrities and Twilight and True Blood. The people that sit around me have seemed less friendly lately, too. I even asked her one day why she never joked about me having children anymore and she basically said she thought I was too crazy for kids. At first, I thought she was kidding, but then she told me I needed to work some things about before I had kids (sorry I didn't get pregnant in high school).

Anyway... this really sucks. People are really cold and rude toward me for no reason. I want to say something about it. Anytime she says something facetious, I'll fire something just as snarky (joking) back at her, and she gets pissed. She can dish it out but can't take it. I can't stand the work environment I'm in. Every once in while, she is nice to me! I'm starting to wonder if SHE'S bipolar.

I could do the easy thing and cry racism (I am one of the few caucasians that work in my office), but I just really don't think that's it. Everyone is so rude to me, though. Another gal that sits near me is called by everyone I work with "Tricky." I called her that one day and she yelled at me, "You don't know me like that!!" Later that day, she asked me for a favor and I said, "Well, I don't know. Apparently I don't know you like that."

How can I deal with this in a Christlike way? I'm sick of being run over, but at the same time I don't want to be unnecessarily rude or a tattle tale. She isn't harrassing me; she is just being really cold and distant. This sucks.

XXXXXXXX

I think I'm really going to do it this time.

I popped a Klonopin today at work. It made me feel so tired. It didn't feel good any more. I'll be honest - I take one almost every day. They are prescribed, but sometimes I take them when I don't exactly *need* them. Same with my rx pain pills (though I only have one left). I had spine surgery and had a few stashed away. I also take ambien to sleep. I don't like being dependent on drugs. I don't like the way they make me feel... very tired.

I also drink about 2-3 beers almost every day. I'm really going to try to quit now. Quit it all. I'm taking the klon out of my purse and putting them in the medicine cabinet. I'm going straight edge.

I must be crazy. I don't think I've gone a day without taking SOMETHING (or having a drink) in months if not over a year. I am very scared. I know I am not going to be able to sleep tonight. Sigh. Maybe I should keep on with the ambien until my weekend, that way, if I can't sleep, I can rest the next day.

This is going to be hard as hell. What am I thinking? But I'm at least going to try.


Straight Edge!!!!!!!!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Surgery

My heart hurts. It skips beats and falters. Some days I think it will quit beating altogether. One day, I believe, the Great Physician will anesthetize me. It will more than likely make others in my life very sad to see me in this state, but it is only temporary. He will remove my cold heart from my chest and remove the dead, weak parts. He will restore it. He will remove Anger, Cynicism, Bitterness, Jealousy, Hatred, Mistrust...all of the portions that caused my heart to grow weaker, as if removing bruises from a banana. I will no longer be encumbered by it. He will put this new heart back in my chest and start it beating again. He will then awaken me from my slumber. It will be as if hundreds of pounds have been lifted from my chest, nothing holding me back now. I will see His face for the first time, with new eyes. I will also see the faces of my beloveds. It will be as if no time had passed at all. Everything I've experienced prior to this point will be like a dream. I will see everyone's faces as they truly are-glorious and in the image of the Physician. Today is the first day of the rest of eternity.

prom from hell

I was reading my friend Emmy's blog entry about her wedding disaster, and it reminded me of the awful prom experience I had, and guess what: she was involved in that, too (though it was NOT her fault). It's been almost ten years, but I thought I would write it out for all to enjoy.

In January 2001, my senior year, I began to date of of my brother Lindley's friends. His name was Steve, and he was in an "alt country" band with my brother. Needless to say, he was around the house a lot and we started to have feelings for one another (which caused Lindley to pick on both of us incessantly). Anyway, we started dating in January and honestly, it was a pretty bland relationship. We were never very serious. I thought he was cute, but it mostly just felt like a friendship (well, a friendship in which we occasionally kissed, and we hung out all the time). Anyway, Steve had already graduated, but he asked me if he could be my date to the senior prom. I had agreed. I wasn't really sure at that point if I was going, but now that I had a date, I thought, Why not? This was probably in January or February, and the prom was toward the end of April. Plenty of time to get ready, right?

I ordered my dress online and it arrived soon after and fit perfectly. It was a royal blue spaghetti strap dress with a sheer black layer, causing it to appear to be dark blue. It had a corset lace up the back and an a-line skirt (very pretty). Anyway, my friend Emily and I decided to double date. She'd gotten a date with a mutual friend, an underclassman. We spent the day getting ready together at my parents' house. We had a lunch of tacos, and spent hours beautifying ourselves. My mom curled my hair and pulled it partially back with pretty rhinestone hair pins. I hadn't heard from Steve that day, so I started to get nervous. I had called him a few times, but he didn't answer (he didn't have a cell phone - only a land line). Anyway, he was supposed to pick up Emily's date and we were all riding together. Finally, he shows up (late) and we start to take photos at my parents' house. I handed him a pretty coral rose boutinierre (sp?) that I had gotten him. He didn't have anything for me. I asked him why he didn't get me a corsage, and he said something lame like he didn't have time to pick one up for me. Apparently, three months is not enough time! This made me very upset, as this was one of the things I was really looking forward to. I'd never gotten a corsage before.

Anyway, we went off for the restaraurant. We went to Steam Room, a steak/seafood place. I ordered something and he didn't even offer to pay- we split it! (I had already paid for the prom tickets). Things couldn't get much worse, now could they? Wrong.

We finally got to the prom, and Steve sat his ass down in a chair all night, while I mingled with friends, every one of them asking if I had a date or not (I didn't have a corsage, or, you know, a PERSON with me!) He didn't dance a single dance with me all night. I begged him to. He didn't even take prom photos with me. He did the "senior walk through" with me, and I had to beg him to even do that much. He said he didn't feel well.

Finally, he said he felt bad enough to go home. He asked if I was coming with him. I agreed to go with him, because I didn't have another ride home. My friend Emily and her date found a ride home with someone else. I was home and in bed by 11 PM and I cried myself to sleep.

Needless to say, soon after, Steve and I broke up. Lindley got really upset with him for treating me this way, and the band broke up, too. Hahaha. I was the Yoko Ono of that band.

Years down the road, my husband has always known that I've wanted a corsage. He got me one for Valentine's Day 2006, I believe it was. It was absolutely perfect. It had dark red roses, purple and black ribbons, and little sticks with rhinestones on them. It was so beautiful that it made me cry. I wore it on my wrist all day at work. I didn't care how silly I looked. I still have it. I wish I had known David my senior year of high school - we would have had so much fun together at prom. I wouldn't meet him for another 8 or 9 months, though.

Long story short: prom sucks. It will never live up to your expectations. I don't care if I have a daughter and she wants to go. That's fine. I'm just going to let her know up front.

Heat waves and nostalgia

So the high today is going to be 103, with a heat index of 110. It's going to be right at 100 or higher every day this week. I loathe summer. Oh, how I long for autumn, with the crisp evenings and lack of humidity, colorful leaves drifting to the ground... It's August, and in Mississippi, that means we have at least two and a half more months of this crap. It may cool off a little bit, but back in 2008, we didn't get our first cool snap until thanksgiving. I hope that doesn't happen again this year.....
Our A/C is blasting at full capacity. I went to bed and it was still warm in the bedroom. Sometime during the night, it cooled to a nice temperature, because I remember that the nature of my dreams changed. I dreamt that I was going to somewhere with a cooler climate, and I could feel the change in temperature, which more than likely coincided with the A/C finally starting to cool things down. Then, just before I woke, I dreamed that I was going to India, of all places. So much for the cooler climate....
I stumbled upon an old blog of mine today. http://ashmcperk.livejournal.com/
Ah, the good old days of being impoverished and in nursing school, working two jobs and living off three hours of sleep, being 2 months behind on rent, living on caffeine and nicotine, and having chronic bronchitis as a result...I do miss some of the friendships, though. And is it just me, or do I never go out anymore? I miss going to shows and seeing bands perform. I'm becoming and old fogey and I'm not even 30. Somewhere in the journal, a posting from 2008, I believe, I said that in a couple of years I hoped we'd own a house and to be working on a baby McPerk. *snorts* Life never turns out the way you hope, does it? That's not to say I'm unhappy -I'm not. I'm very happy. I have a better job, and though we struggle, at least we are able to pay all of our bills. Things are a hell of a lot better than they used to be.
I miss my Gilda and Rameses though. I miss hanging out with Rachel. I miss driving around south Jackson with her, not really going anywhere, smoking and listening to music. I miss some things, but others I do not.

warhellride

I'm a fan of the musician Wesley Willis. He died in 2003 from cancer. He created unique, sometimes vulgar, music, to drive away the "demons" in his head. He had chronic schizophrenia. When he would go through a psychotic episode with the demons, he would call it a "warhellride." He also wrote a few touching songs about Jesus. I hope that he got to meet Him face to face.

I'm not schizophrenic, but I have had my own struggles with mental illness. It all started around the age of 15 or 16. I had a family history of anxiety attacks and depression. My older brother, Lindley, had frequent panic attacks and obsessive compulsive disorder. My mom had them too. I was no exception.

The first time I'd ever really read about OCD was in Teen Magazine. I'd heard of it and had a vague idea of what it was. I guess I was about 13 or 14 when I read this article, so this was around 1996. From what I understood, OCD sufferers usually had pretty obvious outward manifestations of it- compulsive handwashing, counting, checking, cleaning, etc. I had none of these. My OCD started small- I would get a funny feeling about a certain chair (a recliner) in the living room at my parents' house. I couldn't sit there - it was contaminated in some way. I couldn't take baths, only showers. I couldn't allow my body to sit in the same place as someone else's naked body (I still have a hard time doing this). Later, as I began to explore faith and re-discover the Christianity of my youth, these became religious obsessions.

At first, I didn't realize that what I had was OCD. I'd never heard of this type before. I had been studying the Bible verse in which Jesus discusses the "unforgiveable sin," which is mentioned in the synoptic gospels. I was certain I had commited this sin. I suddenly found images pushing their way into my head. It's hard for me to say out loud (or type) what these images were - that would make them seem more real to me- but let's just say they were very awful. Violent encounters between me and God/Jesus. Me cursing Him out, etc. You get the picture. These images and thoughts would play through my head over and over, as if I was watching a movie and someone kept skipping back to this scene and watching it over and over and over again...I would try to think other thoughts to push these obviously blasphemous thoughts from my mind, but to no avail. They were in my head all day, every day. There was no escape from my mind.

To atone for my sinful thoughts, I would often lock myself in my bedroom for hours, praying and reading the Bible. Every time the thought came into my head, I would beg God for forgiveness. Sometimes I would leave my room to watch TV, and then I would feel guilty that I wasn't praying/reading the Bible, and so I'd go back to my room.
The thoughts continued. They got worse, more graphic. I knew that my salvation was lost, that I was unforgiven, but I just had to let God know I was sorry, I didn't mean to have these thoughts. They were like a virus in my mind, one I couldn't seem to get rid of. I thought I was going crazy.

The thoughts became dreams. I'd lie in bed, late at night, thinking about hell, which is where I was certain I was going. I thought about how awful it would be. I wasn't sure if it would be "fire and brimstone," or just an awful place of lonliness and darkness. I'd dream about a fiery hell. At night sometimes, I wondered. If I was going to hell anyway, what was life here on Earth, but a delaying of the inevitable? I wondered if I should continue living, or if I should just bite the proverbial bullet and go ahead and get this eternity thing started (as if eternity would ever have an end). My life had become hell. I never was seriously suicidal. I never attempted suicide, but the thoughts did cross my mind.

One day, I was at school and I broke into tears in the middle of class. I think this was my junior year. My teacher sent me to the guidance counselor's office. The guidance counselor let me sit in her office and tell her what had been going on. Luckily, she was a PhD. When I explained it all to her, she said, "Oh, that just sounds like OCD."

What? I wasn't scrubbing my hands raw, flipping a light switch off and on, or anything like that. I didn't know that this was a form of OCD. It was called scrupulosity, and it's more common with Catholics, apparently, and I was raised Protestant. My counselor set me up with an appointment with a psychiatrist at her clinic and this was a great help to me. The thing that helped most of all was knowing I wasn't going crazy, others had suffered from this too. I wasn't alone. I think that was the worst feeling - feeling completely and utterly alone. That was hell to me.

So much has changed in the last twelve years or so. I still struggle with OCD, but it has gotten so much better. There are still little obsessions, but I've learned to live with them. The most important thing is that my faith has gotten stronger. God heard my cries in the dark. He never left my side. He loves me and I'm not scared about hell anymore. He was the One that was by my side the whole time. If not for Jesus, and the people He put in my life to save me, I think I may be dead by now.

A book that I discovered that was immensely helpful was The Doubting Disease: Help for Scrupulosity and Religious Compulsions by Joseph Ciarrocchi. I highly recommend it.

I guess I wrote this post to let others that may struggle with this know, It's OK. You're not alone. It's a disease. There is help. You never have to go it alone.

Warning: self righteous tirade ahead.....

As a Christian- well, as a human being- there is one thing that drives me crazy: so called "prosperity preaching." It takes on many forms- the televangelist asking you to call in and give a donation, the church down the street (I've actually heard of churches auditing your income to make sure you are really giving them ten percent), the chain emails sent to you stating that God has a blessing in the form of money coming to you if you forward the email, even going so far as to say that if you don't forward the email, you are ashamed of God.

I, for one, do not think that when I die, God is going to say, "Well, Ashley, you didn't forward that email, so....." I think He will ask me about my actions, why I didn't love my brothers and sisters, why I had such a temper problem, why I wasted so many opportunities.

Anyway, not to rip off the author Donald Miller here, but a lot of people want to treat God like a divine slot machine: do your good works, go to church, say your prayers, tithe (especially tithe), and boom: God is going to bless you with this material wealth, or a spouse, or children, or a new job. The list goes on and on. It's like, we don't really care about God or a relationship with Him. We only care about what He can give us. What we put in and what He can give us in return. As if God needs our money!!! The Creator of the universe is concerned with ten percent of my measly salary!!! He can't go on without it!!!

Now, I am NOT saying that you shouldn't give money or tithe. It says so in the Bible. What I AM saying is, maybe that homeless person down the street needs that money (or food) a little more than your church building fund, so your church can add a bowling alley for the youth. Maybe that single mom needs the money a little more than the rich televangelist. Maybe we shouldn't worry so much about forwarding stupid, superstitious emails. Maybe we can also tithe with our time. I don't think God expects us to sit down like accountants and figure this all out.
It just makes me sick to see people profiting off of others being gullible. Screw the giant shiny church building. Give that money to people that need it. Read the story of the rich man and Lazarus (Luke 16:19-31). The thing that pisses me off the most, is that people see this and think, that's what CHRISTIANITY is all about! It's about stealing people's money, bashing gays, supporting war and the death penalty, and people that agree with our narrow minded opinions. Blurring the lines between Church and State is killing us as believers. People want to equate Christianity and patriotism to our country as almost the same thing. Disgusting! What if it were another religion in the majority, and we were pressured all the time to follow it, posting relics of it in public places, praying its prayers in large groups. "Allah bless America." Now, I am not knocking other religions, but you know how quickly Christians would get upset over that. I don't blame people of other religions (or atheists) getting upset over what is going on now. I would too!!!! This country was founded on FREEDOM! Jesus said, "My kingdom is not of this world." It's not! I'm glad it's not too... this world sucks! I'm tired of people twisting my faith into something disgusting. I'm tired of people turning away from me when I tell them I'm a Christian. News flash... I do NOT worship Christianity or any church. I worship Jesus Christ. And if you don't? That's fine. I'll still be your friend. I won't thump you into submission with my Bible. Sometimes, I find that I get along with people that DON'T believe what I do, more that people that do.

I realize that i sound pretty self righteous. when is the last time I gave to a homeless person, or someone in need? Really, that's between me and God. (I'll confess- I haven't in a while). It's something I want to work on, but I'm not going to write it in the sky when I do. These people have received their reward. Do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. Go to a quiet place, and pray to God, who is unseen. Don't pray on the street corners like hypocrites. These people, too, have received their reward.

Darn. There goes the National Day of Prayer and See You at the Pole.

I feel like my writing is not nearly as good as is was when I first started writing the fan fiction. It's just gotten boring. It is difficult for even me to read. I'm not sure if I will continue on with it. I really have some great ideas for Nessie down the road, but I'm not so great at the transition. I just want to jump right back into the action! I mean, I am really going to be ramping up the drama. I just need to get there. I don't like getting lost in the mundane details.....

Update

Hey gang,

It's been a while since I've posted here. Things have been mainly OK. My health has been a lot better. I have been more even tempered and peaceful feeling than I have been in a long time. It feels good to be off of the lamictal.

Lately, I've been devoting my time to writing fan fiction for Twilight (check it out at nessiefanfic.blogspot.com). I've been writing from the perspective of Renesmee, Edward and Bella's daughter. I've been writing about one entry a day. It's a lot of fun and a nice escape from the day to day.

What I'd really like to do is create my own world, write my own story. I've been writing little short stories since I was about seven or eight years old and it's been my life's ambition to have something published. I don't even care about making any money. I just want something tangible, something to show the world and say, This is what I created. My dad and brother are fantastic with painting and sketching. Lindley is also musically inclined. I've always felt that writing is my only creative outlet in which I excel.

I created a fan page on Facebook for my fiction, and so far I only have six members (two are me, haha), so I only have really three fans. Well, my mom and a coworker both said it was really good (but what else would you expect a mom to say?) I guess I'm just seeking validation that I actually have a talent.

I'm praying that I get inspiration to start writing original material.

Sometimes I really hate myself and wonder if I have any redeeming qualities whatsoever. I am a selfish, lazy, hateful, vindictive person. Sometimes I wonder I about my salvation. How can someone that has Christ's love within them, behave as I do? What do I really do to contribute to society or help anyone at all, other than myself?

I frighten myself sometimes. I don't get why people love me.

Sinking.....

“Let go and let God.”

Sometimes, that’s all we can do. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, it’s a colossal failure. Some things are out of our hands completely. Some things are seemingly within our grasp. We cry out to God for help, but ultimately it is up to the other person to affect that change. We’ve done all we can.

Does this mean God doesn’t hear our prayers, our suffering? Does He not see that black cloud that threatens to smother us, rob us of just the little bit of joy we have left in this life?

I don’t have the answer to these questions. I doubt I ever will. I suppose, in retrospect, I will look back and see them. It may not be in this life. It may be in the next. I’m just passing through, trying to survive without going completely insane. I’ve been through this before. It’s been a while, but I know I will come out and see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I just don’t know what it is causing me to feel this way. Perhaps it is a culmination of things. When someone dies and you are grieving, it is easy to pinpoint what brings on the tears. It is the separation, temporary as it may be. At least then you can put a name on what it is you’re going through. What I’m going through now… it’s such a grey area, and I don’t like not feeling in control. There are a number of things that I’m sad about. Pick one. I just keep trying to count my blessings: my wonderfully devoted husband, my little family with him and our cats, my stable job, my family that loves me….but I mourn for people and things that my children will never know: the joy of jumping into clean water on the coast, seeing the fish nip at their feet, the love of their great grandfather, Pap, the state of the country as it is now… I know it seems funny to mourn for things that children that don’t even exist yet, will miss. I think I’m also in mourning over the fact that I’m not sure if we’ll ever have kids. I don’t think we’ll ever be financially stable enough, or that I will be emotionally stable enough. It just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for us, at least not at this time.

Try as I may, I can’t help but see a long tunnel of darkness spread out in front of me, with no end in sight.

Ocean Springs

Something interesting happened on Thursday night at the Bible study. I had written a list of things that we should pray for, and of course I included the Gulf coast and the oil spill on the list. Also, lately, I've felt like God was telling me that I should work with teenagers in some form.



Anyway, I found out on Thursday that oil is starting to wash up on my beloved Ship Island. They found a dead sea turtle and some oil there. I'd already been having a rough day, and I locked myself in the bathroom at work and cried for about ten minutes. My special place. Being destroyed.



During the Bible study, I felt like God was whispering to me, something about moving to the coast. I've wanted to for some time. This oil spill thing makes me want to go even more. For some reason, the more awful things that happen down there (Katrina, oil spill, etc), the more I feel DRAWN there. Weird, I know.

I prayed that if it was God's will for us to move there, He'd show me. I logged onto AT&T's site and found that they are indeed hiring at the Ocean Springs center again. There are many problems with this plan, though: 1. Dav would have to find a job. There's a TV station in Biloxi but I'm not sure if they're hiring, 2. We are in a lease on our apartment through next May.

So maybe, I'm not meant to move there any time soon, but mark my words. I will be living on the coast before too long. I just can't shake the feeling. I need a change.

I don't want to be away from my family and friends, but it's really only 2 1/2 hours away, not that far at all.

We'll see.

Sleep

"When i get home the band will have its first hit song
You and i will buy some rings and a suburban home
I'll bring home the bacon bits
We'll make our parents grandparents
I'll take you out the breakfast at night
And then we’ll go to sleep." - Lagwagon

At Warped Tour one time about six or seven years ago, Dav serenaded me with this line while Lagwagon played. We were still crazy newlyweds. It still makes me smile.

I've had a lot of health issues throughout my life, especially lately. As such, I've decided to create a "spin off" blog entitled My Life as a Hypochondriac (lifeasahypchondriac.blogspot.com). I've decided to keep the tone of this blog a little more upbeat, or at least, to quit complaining about my health issues all the time on this particular blog. If anyone is interested in my ongoing woes, jump on over to that page.

Thanks.

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner review/aka Stephenie Meyer has redeemed herself

WARNING- CONTAINS SPOILERS*****


Yesterday, I picked up a copy of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Saga novella, The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. At first, I thought this was just a money grab for SM, trying to capitalize even more off the popularity of the franchise, but then I saw that she was going to post it online in its entirety for free, and also donate a portion of the proceeds from the book purchase to the Red Cross. That, combined with the fact that I am a Twilight nerd, prompted me to go to Borders at midnight on Friday night/Saturday morning to pick up a copy as soon as it became available.

Even though I'm addicted to the series, I have several complaints about it. With the series as a whole, I really felt like Bella's character did not develop very well. Her character felt a little flat to me. It's like, I get it, she's a clumsy, awkward teenager. I get it. She finds Edward attractive, but does she have to mention how gorgeous he is, every single time she sees him? Furthermore, she is willing to give up everything and everyone she has in her life, and possibly her soul, to marry and have hot vampire sex with a guy she has only known a few months. She is needy and clingy and the exact opposite of a role model. Edward is not much better. He is jealous and possesive and quite immature to be over 100 years old.

Carlisle, Esme, and the rest of the Cullens (with perhaps the exception of Rosalie) seem much more human than Bella ever did. I love their family, and I like the Quileutes too.

The conclusion of the Twilight Saga left much to be desired. In the end, needy, clingy Bella gets everything she wants: her hot vampire husband, immortality, her perfect family, a house, a fancy car and clothes, AND a child!!! Which vampires aren't even supposed to have. Breaking Dawn builds up to a climax and then falls flat. Bella has learned nothing from everything that has happened, except perhaps that it is possible for her to love someone as much or more than Edward (Renesmee). She ends up as a vain version of her former self.


And then there's Bree.

Not much is known about Bree Tanner, as the book begins after she has already been a newborn vampire for about three months. She was a runaway, about fifteen years old, and living on the streets of Seattle. She ran away from home to escape an abusive father and was lured by vampire Riley, who offered her a cheeseburger. She had been dumpster diving for a while and fell for it. She was turned into a vampire, along with about twenty other young people, locked in a house during the day, and left to run free through the streets of Seattle and murder innocents in fits of bloodlust.

She befriends Diego, a fellow newborn (he's been a vampire for about a year). They develop a friendship that develops to a crush level. Together, they find out that their leader, Riley, has been lying to them in order to control them all and build an army for sinister purposes. They try to devise a plan to escape after they find out that it's OK for them to be outside in the daytime. Diego still trusts Riley and wants to confront him. Bree doesn't hear from him in a while and Riley leads her to believe that he is off, doing recon work or something like that. She is naive and trusting, knowing very little about vampire life, as she has been kept in the dark, both figuratively and literally.

Eventually, Bree finds out that Diego, her only true friend since she was turned, was murdered by Riley for knowing too much about their true nature. Bree ends up in the war against the Cullens. She had been misled into thinking the Cullens were evil as well, and that it was basically a turf war for the blood of the people of Seattle (more lies from Riley). The rest of the newborn army is murdered, including Riley and Victoria, and Bree is taken hostage. The Cullens have offered to take in Bree as part of their family. By this point, Bree knows that Diego was murdered and that she was tricked into fighting against the Cullens and Bella, who are innocents. She has nothing left. She wants to die. Even though the Cullens offer to take her in, the Volturi decide she must be killed. In the end she does die. Prior to her death, however, she tells Edward (via his telepathy) that the Volturi have been plotting against his family and were behind the attack. By doing this, she redeems herself.

I knew from the beginning the outcome of the story. What I didn't expect was that SM would create a character that I would become so interested in, in 200 pages, that had more depth than other characters in which she has written over 2000 pages about. This book has gore and violence, what you expect from vampire books, but that's not the only reason I liked it so much. Even though so few details were provided, I felt like I knew Bree. She was a very unlikely hero. It didn't have the "happy ending," but I liked that too, because that's not how life works.

Superficial nature wearing thin.
I can`t seem to begin.
What really do I see when I stare back at me?
As crushing time reveals my foe,
Inheriting all woe.
Solutions in the past,
Conditioned not to ask.
It`s what you`re meant to be,
Your name and number.
Be all that you should be.
You will recover things you haven`t lost,
Because they don`t see you like you think they do.
PLEASE JUST BECOME YOU.
"Release your fear" is what he said.
This all came to a head.
Feel cheated out of you,
Tradition follows through.
Though I can`t see how this will end,
I know that you will always pull me through.
My soul went searching for a cause
But came back empty-handed.
The emptiness you see...Building a better me

Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

I just have to rant for a moment. Today has just been one of those days. It began as follows:

I woke up, seeing a missed call from Dav. Brian went to work and took my house key, so when I leave for work, I will not be able to lock the door. Luckily, Brian works walking distance from our place, so I only had to go down there and get it. He even bought me a Diet Pepsi, so no biggie.

Last Thursday, I called my clinic to get them to phone in a refill of my rx. They told me they did. The pharmacy opened at 10 AM (I had to be at work by 11, so I have to leave at 10:30). I called the pharmacy and they said they didn't get it. I called Walgreens in Pearl also. Nothing. I even called Wal-Mart. Nothing. Of course, it being a Sunday, the clinic was closed. I called the after hours number and they said they would have to have the nurse call me back (and the recording told me that I may be BILLED for this call-what???) Let me clarify that this medication has to be started today or it is completely useless for the next month (it's birth control). I have to have it today.

The nurse finally called me back and she told me she had to check my chart and call me back. After a morning of phone tagging, I finally got it filled at the Walgreens by my work. So I'll just go on my lunch break.

I look in my wallet for my debit card. Lo and behold, I left it at home!!!! I'm making plans to just take a long lunch and drive all the way back to Brandon to get my debit card, and then come back up here to work. I am about to be out the door when I realize, tomorrow is a holiday. I don't have to come in but I get paid. But, if I leave early today, or take any unexcused time off, I will NOT get paid for tomorrow and my check will be eight hours short. Arrrghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What else is going to happen today?????

So i'm going on my lunch break. Luckily, I can pay for my rx with a check. I hope I don't run out of gas (the gas stations don't take checks). I would just get Dav to pick it up for me, but he has to work until 4, and he doesn't have anyone to cover for him. Dorothy is meeting me over lunch and said she'd loan me a few bucks if I needed it.

Thank goodness for good friends.

*end of rant*

Late night confessions

The other evening, I was up late again, having another great late night conversations with dear friends about various topics.

"I can forgive, but I will never forget."

This sounds innocent enough. It would be foolish to forget any lesson that may be learned after going through certain trials. But let's examine this statement a little closer. What does this really mean? I know what it means for me, anyway. It means, "I am saying that I am forgiving you, and I will be nice to you again, temporarily, but what I really mean is now I have "ammunition" to use against you in our next argument." For that reason, I love "forgiving" people because it comes in handy later. I do this with my husband, my family, and my closest friends. That's pretty messed up. That's not forgiveness at all.


Let's think for a moment, shall we? What if God's forgiveness was so conditional? What if, when I die, I stare Him in the face and He says, "Well, you know, Ashley, I forgive you, but...."

The Bible says that if we don't forgive our brothers when they sin against us, our sins will not be forgiven. Conditional forgiveness is no forgiveness at all. I've got to get my act together. I'm a grudge holder. I love a good grudge. But it does nothing but make me an angry, bitter person. A person I don't want to be.

I haven't given up hope. One thing I've learned is that forgiveness is a daily discipline. I can think I've forgiven the person, and there's the anger again, rearing its ugly head on a new day. Every day, we have a choice to make. God loves us so much that He gives us second, third, and infinite chances to get it right.

Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever.
Amen

Need I say more?

http://www.bp.com/liveassets/bp_internet/globalbp/globalbp_uk_english/homepage/STAGING/local_assets/bp_homepage/html/rov_stream.html

God's will versus our free will

I've been giving a lot of thought to the topic of free will versus God's will for us. I know a lot of people think that God has this ultimate plan for their life (with regards to who they are supposed to marry, their career, having children, where to live, etc. The list goes on). They just keep praying and waiting on God to give them an answer and sometimes it doesn't seem to come. I used to subscribe to this line of thought too.

The more I think about it, the more I think that God's ultimate will for us is to accept His Son, Christ Jesus, and try to love everyone else in our life (regardless of their beliefs, race, sex, etc etc etc) and put others ahead of ourselves. The rest is up to us. God isn't going to write it in the sky (though He could if He wanted to). I think that God has ultimate purposes for us in some matters. He puts people in our lives for a reason, to point them to Him, or to point us to Him. I think that God creates people as a blank slate. Well, perhaps He does create us with certain qualities that we are born with and which we may have little control. The bottom line is, God gave us free will, and we can use that free will as we may. With the free will God has given us, He has given us the capacity to love intensely, and to cause much evil. (If you subscribe to the chaos theory, you will see where I am going with this). Does that mean that God is the source of evil? Absolutely not. It is a by product of our having a choice. If we do not have the option of doing evil works, we really don't have a choice at all.

This entry has gotten a lot deeper than I intended, but the bottom line is, I think a lot of people pray for God's will in their lives with certain things, and they seem to go unanswered. Does that mean God is uninterested or doesn't care? Absolutely not. He does care, and with the power of His Spirit, as believers, we have the ability to make the choice that we feel is best. It doesn't matter if you head a church, or are a CEO, a musician, a waitress, or work in a call center. We all have the ability to show God's love to others that normally might not see it. It is our responsibility as believers. Whatever our lot in life, it is our job.

I have Scriptural basis for this, but I will have to post that at a later date. I know some people may disagree with me, but that's OK. I don't think any of us have it 100% right. A lot of it is just guesswork on this side of eternity, and that's OK. I know all of these questions will be answered one day, and for that I rejoice.

Ship Island weekend

So Dav and I went along with our friend James to Ship Island on Thursday. With the oil slick getting closer and closer every day, we figured that this may be one of our last chances to go. Dav and I have been to the gulf coast many times, but never to Ship Island, so on Thursday we picked up James and took off for the beach.



We got there just before noon and hopped on the ferry. It was approximately an hour ride. We got to stand on the top of the ship and spotted numerous dolphins. It was so much fun being on the bow of the boat, wind whipping through my hair. i was now also grateful that I had cut my hair short... it was flying everywhere!!

For reasons I cannot explain, whenever I go to the Mississippi Gulf Coast, I feel more alive and like a child again. I feel like a part of me that was missing is now complete. I feel so happy every time I go there, whether I am doing anything exciting or not. I really want to move there one day, maybe take a job at the Ocean Springs call center, if Dav could find work there. But I digress.



We arrived at Ship Island (which is approximately 11 miles off the mainland) at around 1 PM. We toured Fort Massachusetts, which was a fort that was built just following the War of 1812. It was fascinating to see the craftsmanship. There was still a HUGE cannon on the top wall. It has survived so much... Hurricane Camille (which split Ship Island in half) and a 40 foot storm surge during Katrina. Amazing.



After the hour-long tour of the fort with the park ranger (who kept referring to the oil spill as "the recent 'incident' in the Gulf"- I think he even used "air quotes"), we walked to the south side of the island. The water was much clearer than that on the mainland (even though it was still green). It was so clean. We jumped into the water. The waves were even rather large. You could probably surf there. I got knocked on my ass a few times!! The sand was beautiful, white and clean. We picked up a few sea shells and almost walked the entire length of the island (a few miles long). The amazing thing about the island is that it is just nothing but beach and water (well, there is a concession stand and umbrella/chair rental place but that's it). It's completely unspoiled and very, very serene. We didn't see any tar balls or oil, thought there was boom set up around the edge of the water near the fort. Needless to say, I fell in love with the island and want to go back. I sincerely hope that I will be able to do so.

After arriving back in Gulfport via the ferry at around 6:00 PM, we checked into our hotel and I sat down in a chair and found a pool of sand on it when I stood up. I then proceeded to take a long, much needed shower. That evening we ate at a restaurant in nearby Ocean Springs that James recommended, called Shady's. I really enjoyed it. I've never been to downtown Ocean Springs, but it is very quaint and artsy. I would describe this restaurant as "eclectic," as it had everything from pad thai to seafood to barbecue on the menu. I had a pulled pork sandwich that was AMAZING, Dav had shrimp, and I think James had a grouper sandwich. We sat outside on the patio (did I mention that the weather was amazing that day? It was a little humid, but the ocean breezes felt fantastic. It rather sunny, but there were a few clouds).

The next morning, we ate a huge breakfast and hit the outlet mall. I bought a giant bottle of b12 at Vitamin World, and Dav bought a new watch face for his Fossil watch (gotta love the outlet).

We were home by around 4:30 and I was EXHAUSTED. My legs hurt from walking up and down the sandy beach. We took a ton of pics which I hope to upload either here or to Facebook soon. All in all, it was a fantastic trip that I will not soon forget.

what is wrong with me?

My mysterious illness is striking again. I should have known. A couple of days ago it started with the mysterious numbness and tingling in my legs. Today I had one of the debilitating weak spells at my desk that lasted for about an hour. I literally had to put my head down on my desk. Most of the time, they come in the same time of day (after lunch) and last for about the same amount of time. I have considered many possibilities: low or high blood sugar, dehydration, anemia, pernicious anemia (B12 deficiency), hypothyroidism. At a point, a doctor even thought I had an adrenal disease. I had a neurologist test me for multiple sclerosis.

This all culminated in me being admitted to the hospital in November 2008. Every test known to man was run, and ruled out. I had extreme numbness in my legs to the point that I couldn't walk, tremors in my hands, and I had left-sided weakness and slurring of my speech (strokelike symptoms). I was in the hospital for three days and they didn't find a damn thing wrong with me, except for a slight B12 deficiency.

My symptoms include:
numbness and tingling in my extremities (most notably my legs/feet, and my hands/fingers)
debilitating weak spells in which I cannot stand up or even hold my head up at times
sensitivity to cold (though I've had this my whole life)
lethargy
nausea

I remember in 2008 when it got so bad that I could not get out of bed. It's improved, slightly, but it's something I deal with on almost a daily basis. Many mornings I wake up and my legs are numb and tingly again (imagine your legs are asleep). I get out of bed and move around, but the sensation never goes away. I've seen so many specialists that I can't even keep up: neurologist, endocrinologists, etc. They have performed CTs, MRIs, EEGs, a nerve conduction test... checked my hormone levels. Nothing nothing nothing. At the hospital, they never could figure out the cause, so for insurance purposes, they coded it "anxiety." My ass.

I've come to terms with the fact that I will probably deal with this the rest of my life, but I just want to know what it is.

I can barely feel my fingertips as I type this.

enough is enough

The oil spill in the Gulf has been going on for almost 3 weeks. Eleven lives were lost. And yet, we have no answers, no end in sight. This is unacceptable. Where's the outrage? You can kiss our beaches goodbye. So long, fresh caught Gulf shrimp and other seafood. So much for going to the beach. Three weeks, and no progress. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. You can bet BP will pay for the cleanup, by jacking up gasoline prices.

Boycott BP. That is all.

Turning the other cheek

Recently, I was having a conversative with someone. He was having a difficult time with a person in his life that only wanted to be antagonistic and start arguments every single time they interacted. This person had gone so far as to spread rumors about him, in addition to picking fights with him at every available opportunity. I told him that, one thing God has taught me is that it takes two people to argue. We began discussing what it means to turn the other cheek.

"Turn the other cheek" is an expression that is used so often that it has almost lost its original meaning. From the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5), Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.'[g] 39But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. 41If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. 42Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you."

This really puts things into perspective for me. Turning the other cheek is not simple and it's not fun. Jesus means, literally, once someone has smacked you in the face, turn your face and let them smack the crap out of the other side too. Wow.

Now, I was in no position to preach to my friend regarding this issue whatsoever. I have a really difficult time controlling my temper, and I've been known to start arguments over minor misunderstandings. I jokingly say that it's the redhead in me, but I really, really want to work on this. This is probably the thing I struggle with the most in life.

Jesus goes on to say to pray for your enemies, and to bless those who persecute you. I'm also really bad about gossipping. This is something I'm really trying to change. I open my mouth without thinking. I guess by sharing this with others, I'm hoping whoever is reading this will help me.

Final day of cruise

The next morning I woke up and we had breakfast on the lido. It was still cooler and kind of rainy. I soaked in the hot tub again and watched the ocean roll by.

Later that day, Mom and I participated in the "Groove for Saint Jude" fundraiser. We purchased the t shirts and then went to a dance party in the disco. There was even a hula hoop contest. I remember my mom telling me that she was the hula hoop champion as a child, and I nudged her on down to enter the contest. Eight contestants competed, and it came down to her and an eight year old boy!!! They called it a tie, and they both won a plastic trophy shaped like the ship. I laughed my ass off. It was awesome. Go Mom!!!!!!!

Later that evening, Mom and I went to another show. This one was called Night Club Express and featured dancers from various famous nightclubs throughout the decades (think the Copa, the Cotton club, discoteques, swing dancers, etc). It was really pretty cool, though nothing could compare to the Beatles show. Then we went to dinner. I had veal parmesan. It was really delicious.

After dinner, we went to check out the comic Kenny Miller again. This evening, he was doing his 18 and up show. Mom and I sat in the second row. He started doing the bit where he singled people out in the audience. He singled me out and asked if I was even old enough to be in the show. I told him yes, that I was 27. I also pointed out to him that I was splitting a beer with my mom (I guess that is kind of funny). He laughed at me and told me I needed to start living life a little harder. He started talking about music and later on asked me what I listened to, Justin Bieber?? All throughout the show I was dubbed Justin Bieber girl (even though I had my Ramones shirt on, haha). It was really funny. He was a lot funnier that night than he was with the all ages show.

We capped the evening off by going to listen to (you guessed it) The Music Highlights in Cat's Lounge. They played the Rolling Stones and the Kinks and all kinds of other awesomeness. I danced a lot. All in all, it was a fantastic way to end an amazing trip.



The next morning, we were docked back at Mobile. Mom and I decided to take our own luggage off the ship and to get off sooner, and started getting off at around 7:30. Customs and border patrol had a really long line, and my suitcase kept falling off its wheels and I ended up dragging it most of the way. By the time we got home, I had discovered that my suitcase had a couple of small holes in it from dragging it around, and my favorite halter dress had a big hole it in too!!! I loved that dress and have had it for like 5 years. Very sad. I am going to try to salvage it if I can.

I had a really fun time on the trip, but I was so glad to see Hubby. I missed him so much!! Because I was at sea most of the time, I was barely able to speak to him in four days (costs for cell calls at sea are really high - I did make one though.)

All in all, a good time was had. Already plotting our next trip.

Day three- Cozumel

By Saturday, April 17th, we had arrived at the (partly cloudy) island of Cozumel. I couldn't wait to touch solid ground again!! We had considered going to Chankanaab National Park, which included an area for snorkeling and we thought, a sand beach. We went to the area where the taxi drivers waited, but one of them tried to give us a sales pitch about how Chankanaab was no good because it didn't have a sand beach, yadda yadda yadda. He sounded like a car dealer. So we walked away from him.

Eventually, we ended up going to Playa Mia, a beach. We took a short cab ride. We relaxed on the beach. I got two tiny braids in my hair. Then ended up taking a paddle boat, and then later a kayak, out deep into the water. The water and beach itself was a lot different from the Bahamas. In the Bahamas, the water itself was turquoise blue and there were no sea shells. Cozumel, however, had greener water (but still very clear) and had shells. We enjoyed a Mexican beer on the beach and even went snorkeling and took lots of underwater photos.

At around noon, we went back to the ship and changed clothes. Time to do some shopping and eat. We hit the shopping district and I bought lots of cool trinkets, a carton of cigs for 50% off for Dav, and myself a bottle of tequila. I bought a black cotton halter dress for myself, and a hand painted vase with chili peppers on it. I also bought some papier mache fruit (Dav has always wanted a papier mache pear). After we finished shopping, we stopped at a little touristy restaurant called Three Amigos. We had another beer and split some nachos. I even had a Coke to see if it tasted any different, because I was told that cane sugar is used in sodas from other countries, instead of corn syrup. It tasted pretty good, but I'm not sure if it tasted different, because I haven't had a real Coke in so long. Mom had a "Coca-Cola Light."

By the end of the day in Cozumel, I was exhausted. Luckily, I didn't get as sunburned as I'd expected. At around 4:30 we went back to the ship. We showered and got ready for dinner that evening. This time, I think I had roasted pork loin and tira misu for dessert (yum).

We also went to a comedy show that evening. The comic's name was Kenny Miller, and it was an all ages show. He made me chuckle a few times, but he wasn't the greatest. He was doing an 18+ show the following night, so I decided that he would probably be funnier then.

That evening, there was a lido deck party. I participated in a conga line! (Lame, I know.) The Music Highlights played again. There was a mexican food buffet, but I couldn't fathom eating again!!!

My mouth was sore from recent dental work (the pain has come and gone), and in addition to that, my throat hurt. Too much singing? I popped a pain pill and called it a night, a little earlier than before.


I had been concerned that it would rain while we were in Mexico, but it didn't It was mostly sunny when we arrived, and gradually got cloudier. By the time we stepped back on the ship, it was just starting to rain. It rained a bit as we went back to sea, but not for very long.

Day two

Day one of my trip ended with me drifting off into a peaceful sleep on the surprisingly comfortable twin bed in my cabin. We had an interior room, with no window, and the pitch black is very nice. The rocking of the sea beneath me lulls me to sleep.

I wake up early the next day - the ship is rocking so hard that I almost roll out of bed! My mom informs me that it had rained earlier and that the waves outside are white-capped. I walked up to the lido deck for a glance for myself. It was really beautiful, though. I didn't get sea sick. I never do, but walking inside with the ship rocking so much was disconcerting. Outside, it wasn't so bad. I think it was psychological, as in, I could SEE what was causing the swaying while I was outside.

After a leisurely breakfast on the deck, I did some more hot tubbing and lying in the sun. The wind was so strong it almost knocked me on my ass!! I went to the bow of the ship again and I had to cling to the rail to prevent losing my footing.

Later that day, I participated in a swing dance lesson on the lido, led by one of the ship's professional dancers. It was a lot of fun. I'd love to take more lessons.

That evening was the formal dinner night. I had purchased a tea length light green dress (only 40.00 at TJ Maxx!) and we went to see the on stage production, Ticket to Ride. For people that have never been on a cruise, Carnival puts on at least two Las Vegas or Broadway style shows per trip. This evening's performance was dedicated to the Beatles. My mom, the biggest Beatles fan ever in her youth, really loved the show, as did I. And guess who came out and performed at the end? The band from the lounge the night before!! An Asian Beatles, lol. It was great. Mom and I also had a dirty martini each (her first, my...not my first).

We next went to our formal dinner again. This time, I indulged in rare prime rib. It was amazing.

That evening, I watched The Music Highlights again. I shouted out a few requests (Beatles songs, of course).

All in all, a very fun day. I fell asleep with a sore throat from screaming like a Beatles fan from back in the day. But it was worth it.

Cruise recap - Day one

So I got up at around 7 AM on Thursday, April 15. Mom and I hit the road by around 7:45. We made a few stops for some necessities and food, and then we got to Mobile and proceeded to wait in one of the longest lines I've ever seen at the terminal. I mean, this line was so long you had to sit and wait until you were called into the line.

Anyway, we finally boarded the Carnival Fantasy at around 1 PM. I called Dav to let him know I'd arrived safely. I wouldn't be able to talk to him again for a while since we'd be at sea (at least, not without spending my entire paycheck). We embark on our journey. I get the first of many umbrella drinks and stand at the front of the ship, as I always like to do when I get to go on a cruise. We relax in the hot tub, check out our stateroom, etc. We eat at the lunch buffet on the lido and watch as Mobile becomes a small dot behind us.

That evening, we get to dine in the classy dining room and I have a steak which is actually cooked correctly (rare). That evening, after my mom retires, I go to a place called Cat's Lounge. This place is really cool. It is decorated with giant boxes of oatmeal, cans of soup, cat food, etc. Great product placement. And there was a giant tea kettle as well. A great, all Asian cover band performs, (The Music Highlights), and I must say, they were too talented to be doing the cruise circuit. I meet a forty something lady named Sandy and strike up a conversation. She is taking her teenage daughter and some friends for their senior trip. She buys me a cocktail. This place quickly becomes my "hangout" on the ship.

There is also a flat panel monitor on the wall in one of the corridors of one of the upper decks. It shows the ship's exact location via satellite, the ship's speed (in knots) and the depth of the water. I am such a nerd that I look at this frequently. Did you know that at one point the depth of the water was like 9460 feet? That's almost two miles!! That didn't seem right to me so I researched it and found out that the water can indeed get to over 10,000 feet deep in certain parts of the Gulf. Wowza.

Anyway, I had a really fun first day. More to come later....

school?

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I no longer have a desire to go back to school. At least, not in the foreseeable future. Any degree that I could get in the next couple of years wouldn't really pay a lot more than I'm already making. Plus, there's a lot to be said about leaving this place that I work at, and not even thinking about it again until I have to return. My evenings are my own.

If I ever did go back, I'd like to finish nursing (which would give me a substantial raise in income), but I am not going to work AT ALL while I do this, and that's just not feasible at this point in time.

I just remember this time last year, when I'd work all day only to go home and have to do homework all evening.

That's not to say that I won't seek other ways to educate myself. I've been reading more lately (mostly nonfiction). I can't stand to let my brain go "idle."

God will show me whether I should go back to school or not. Right now, I'm at a happy place. I like my job pretty well, and it pays enough to pay the bills. I'm happy.

Things are looking up, again.

OK, so I think we may have the living arrangement thing figured out. A two bedroom apartment became available again, and we are moving next month. It's only got one bathroom and we wanted a 2/2, but it's better than nothing. It's got two bathroom sinks, at least. I think everything is going to be OK.

Only 3 1/2 more days until I hit the road for Mobile, and then jump on the ship!!! I am so excited. I really need to start doing some laundry and packing my stuff. There's a slight chance for rain in Cozumel on Saturday, but I'm not too concerned. I can't believe it's finally here!!! I'm taking off work on Wednesday to finish getting all of my stuff together, and then we hit the road first thing thursday morning. Girl trip!! Just me and Mom. It will be fun. I will miss my hubby though :0(

I'm really looking forward to summer. The pool will be opening next month. I can't wait!! This winter was really long and harsh. I'm ready to get sunburned.

So my brother in law has been living with us for almost two months. He is recently divorced and was going through some financial problems. I didn't mind having him stay for a while, but it was my understanding that it was temporary. Days turned into weeks.

Before I seem coldhearted, let me preface this by stating that we live in a one bedroom apartment that is, oh about 600 square feet or so. And he has been sleeping on our futon in the living room. I really didn't mind for a while, but lately he has been being really slobby, leaving empty food and drink containers just lying about. I'm tired of picking up after him.

Also, we put the cats up in our tiny bathroom at night so they won't bother him. We never expected him to pay rent or anything, but we've asked him a few times to help us out and he never seems to have money, even though he works full time and doesn't have to pay rent.

We've been talking for a while about getting a two bedroom apartment. He was always wishy washy about that, not wanting to commit. There were some two bedrooms available at the time we first proposed this. Now that he finally agreed to the arrangement, there are none! And won't be any for at least sixty days.

He's stayed with his parents a bit but they don't won't him staying there either. I haven't the heart to kick him out, but I seriously can't handle much more of this. He could have had another apartment by now. He keeps talking about wanting to save up money. Well, what about us? Our bills have been higher since he moved in and he hasn't really helped. Doesn't it matter if we get to save money?

He's not my husband and he's not my child. I'm tired of this shit. I don't know what to do.

Oh yeah, and I asked him last night to start picking up after himself and he went off on me!!!!! Beggars really can't be choosy, but he sure as hell is.

I don't know what else to say or do. We aren't helping him in the long run. He has to get out on his own again. It's been a year and a half since he and his ex wife split. Time to move on.

I'm not asking anyone to believe what I believe. Of course, I want all to know the love and peace I've found in Jesus Christ and to experience that for themselves. But I'm not hitting anyone over the head with the Bible. They know the story. I think the only way to point people in the direction of Christ is to show love. Love your enemies and do good things for them. That's the only way to change hearts. Love is the only way.
I'm not one of those people that goes around saying, You're going to hell. I don't know that. That's God's place to judge, not mine.

I try to respect people, regardless of their beliefs. I wish people would do the same for me and not make assumptions that i'm this ultra right wing, hateful person. I am just trying to live my life the way Jesus said we should. With love and grace and a servant's heart. I just wish that people would not mock my faith. I don't go around making fun of other religions, or atheists, or agnostics, and would appreciate the same respect.
But even if I don't get the same respect, it's OK. I'm not entitled to anything and I will still love those people anyway, whether they like it or not :0)

For the record, I do have a few atheist/agnostic friends that DO respect me, and I respect them. I love them all the more for it. You know who you are. Thank you.

Good Friday

Good Friday/Easter really snuck up on me this year. I'm off Good Friday, but have to work on Easter. I'm trying to think of a suitable way to celebrate the holiest day on the believer's calendar. Last year, Dav and I took communion in our home (wine and pita bread), read Scripture, and prayed. I think we will do that again this year.

I just can't imagine what it must have been like for Jesus to eat this last meal on Earth with His closest friends and companions. What it must have been like to be with Him on that night.

beautiful dream

A few nights ago, I dreamt that Dav and I had our first child, a beautiful daughter. I dreamt that she was only three months old, but she looked to be around 18 months old or so in the dream. She looked a lot like Dav and was the most beautiful person I have ever seen. She had pale blonde curls, ice blue eyes and a pale complexion with rosy cheeks. She looked like an angel.

I woke up, rather sad that she wasn't real. I want to have children soon, but I know we aren't ready yet. Maybe in another couple of years.

In other news...

Lately Dav and I have been taking trips to various places and hiking with the nicer weather. On Friday we went to Vicksburg to the Civil War park. We have driven through the park on many occasions, but decided to take it in strictly on foot. We took one of the medium length trails, which was six miles. It felt more like ten miles because of the hilly terrain that Vicksburg has. I wore Chuck Taylor shoes (what was I thinking?). It took us about three hours and by the end of it, I could barely walk. In fact, about halfway through, I collapsed onto a grassy hill and took a break. I got sunburned also, but I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I took some fantastic photos as well, of things I normally wouldn't notice if we were driving.

That evening, my friend Dorothy invited me to a salsa dance party in Fondren on the roof of the Fondren corner building (5th floor building). I haven't a clue as to how to salsa dance and also had massive blisters on my feet, but I went anyway and had a fantastic time (even though it was windy and in the 40's). I really want to take dance lessons now.

The next day, Saturday (yesterday), my back was hurting intensely and my legs were so sore I could barely walk. I really need to get into better shape!! I am still hurting today, but it was totally worth it because I had a really fun weekend.

Time to take a break and slow things down before my next adventure: the cruise to Cozumel and exploring Mayan ruins. I can't wait!

Friendship breakups

So my brother in law (one of my best friends also) broke up with his girlfriend today. I feel like I'm going through a breakup, too, because she was an awesome person and became a fast friend. I would like to remain friends with her, but I just don't see that happening. At least not any time soon.

The thing is, I really liked hanging out with this chick. Not just a friend out of convenience or circumstance. Sigh.

Lately, i've been feeling things so intensely. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder about a year ago, but decided not to go on the meds because it is not a very severe case, but the last couple of days I've found myself going from manic to crying within 30 minutes. i've considered going back on anti-depressants, but those just make me feel numb (mentally and physically). I'm not sure which is worse at this point.

Sigh.

change of subject

I'm not really sure where I was going with that last entry, so I've decided a subject change is in order. Truth be told, I was venturing into territory that was starting to weird me out.

A list of things I can't wait for, in no particular order:

1. Charlaine Harris's latest book (May 2010)
2. My cruise to Cozumel (April 2010)
3. Food (now)
4. The pool at my apartment to open (ummm, I think in may?)
5. For us to buy a house (TBD)
6. The next episode of The Office (Thursday)
7. Twilight Eclipse movie (June 2010)
8. Twilight New Moon DVD release (March 20, 2010)
9. My AT&T upgrade (May also).

Wow, I am really shallow. I need to set loftier ambitions.....

There's no place like home....usually.

I've been thinking about the many places that Dav and I have lived in since we married seven years ago. We have lived in seven... yes seven different places. Each home obviously had a distinct feel, but sometimes, it almost gets to a ... spiritual level. Like one of the homes I lived in was just really spiritually off (I promise I am not on drugs :0) ) I've talked to other people that have been in these places and that is the general consensus. I'm going to do multiple entries about each experience.
Here goes:

In 2003, when we got married, we moved into a tiny duplex that was probably 500 sf or less in Belhaven heights. Picture a studio apartment but with walls. You entered through one door, then a second one, into the living room. There was a kitchenette (it's so small, that's the best way to describe it), and a small bathroom. The floor is uneven in places because the house was built in the thirties, but hey, the price was right (325.00/month). The bedroom was smallish too and led to a back step into a backyard.

This house was cozy, needless to say. I didn't get any strange feelings there. There was a funny incident once where Dav and I got into an argument and I slammed the bedroom door out of anger and it got jammed. Dav and I spent a good while with a screw driver taking the knob apart. I still think this was God's way of showing us how to work as a team. It did work. Once I was free, the argument was forgotten.

OK... we spent one year in this tiny, tiny little place. I totally dug the neighborhood and the vibe, but let's face it... the house sucked. I do sometimes miss the warm feel of the gas space heaters in the winter though. Next entry... our 2004 home :0) Au revoir for now... back to work.

Stay tuned. I promise this gets more interesting....

Decade in review

So it has been a crazy ten years. In the past ten years, I have grown up and met many people that have changed my life. I became a follower of Jesus. I met my soul mate. So many exciting things. Here's a rundown:

2000- The start of this year finds me as a junior at Pearl High School. I have made a lot of good friends in south Jackson and Byram, including meeting one of my best friends, Dorothy. I have recently become a follower of Jesus Christ. I'm finally finding out what interests me and carving my own way in life. This year, Emily and I have become great friends as well. That summer was mostly uneventful, doing the usual teenage things. Screwing around with the guitar and skateboarding. I didn't really date anyone this year.

2001- I graduated from high school and had a brief relationship with one of Lindley's friends. We break up before the school year ends (and after he wrecked my senior prom-if you don't know this story - get ready for a ten minute explanation). The summer was fantastic and I went on a couple of trips. I've become a mentor for the youth group at my church and we volunteered at a music festival in Atlanta.
September 11 happens. That was my 19th birthday. I was a freshman in college at Hinds. I don't think anyone will ever forget what they were doing that day.
In November, I had the priviledge of going on a mission trip with my college group to New York City (this was planned prior to the terrorist attacks). I was there the weekend of thanksgiving and got the chance to work with an amazing, down to earth, and diverse group of believers in Brooklyn. I got to visit a lot of amazing places. I even saw Ground Zero in person, which was very disturbing.

2002- I started attending Hinds CC in Raymond and moved into the dorms. This was my first time to move out of my parents' house, which was 45 minutes away. I met a lot of amazing new people, friendships I keep to this day. In January, I met David Randall Perkins and I fell hard. He was the cutest thing I had ever seen, but I never thought he would notice me. He ended up giving me his phone number, and on February 12, we went to the Waffle House following a BSU meeting on campus. On February 14, we went on our first official date to a swing dance party at the Gravity coffee house. By April, we were engaged. That spring and summer, we took a lot of fun trips (Dallas, New Orleans, the gulf coast, Hattiesburg- anything for a good live show!!) Dav's first niece is born in August. Her name is Katie. I love being an aunt.

2003- Dav and I were wed on January 17th. We eloped to Pensacola. His brother and his brother's wife, Dorothy, and Dorothy's brother was present. We honeymooned that weekend and spent time on the beach and visited the Gulf Breeze Zoo. It was amazing. When we got home, we settled into our first home - a duplex in Belhaven Heights. Soon after, we adopted a beautiful stray chow/german shepherd mix, Gilda. We had a family.

2004- we adopted my big orange fat cat, Rameses. We continued to live in Belhaven and I took a stab at online classes. Good good times. My beloved niece Maggie, the child of Dav's brother Brian and his wife Stacey, is born.

2005- we moved to Pearl briefly and then to south Jackson. Our little family is very content.

2006- we continue on, happily in south Jackson, near where Dav grew up. I decided that fall to try nursing school full time, but we were not in a position financially to where we could survive on Dav's income alone, so I work part time too. This causes me to fall behind and have to repeat the semester. I take an indefinite hiatus.

2007- a tough year. Dav and I are having some problems and we decide to separate that summer. We move out of the house in south Jackson. It only lasts for about five months, but it was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I am working a couple of random part time jobs, but am looking for something full time that pays better. Dav and I reconcile by November. Our nephew, Kaleb, was born in august.

2008 - a much better year. I am hired full time at AT&T (where I work now) and Dav and I rent a house in Pearl. We are very happy. Dorothy lives with us for a bit. This was a fantastic, wonderful year for us. By the end of the year, we move out again because of the rent increase and in with Dav's brother, who is going through a divorce.

2009- a very tough year. Dav lost his grandfather in July and the month prior, I had to have a second back surgery, to remove a small metal rod from my first procedure in 1997. It was causing debilitating pain. Someone hit me and totalled my car that february as well, and I had to finance a new car. A very, very tough year. Dav and I moved into our apartment in Pearl in March.

2010- too soon to tell. But so far much better than last year already.

Vida Blue

I'm Feeling Cold Today
Frozen To The Core
I Need Some Inspiration
To Pull Me From The Floor

Take Me Down The Road
To A Place I've Never Been Before
Open Up My Eyes
Show Me Colours That I've Never Seen
Open Up Your Mouth
Give Me Perfect Words I've Never Heard
I'm Ready Now Lets Go
Burn My World A Southpaw Curve
Fast And Hard
Like Vida Blue

I've Lived A Lot Of Every Place
No Where I'd Call Home
The Look In Every Strangers Face
Tells Me I'm Alone

Take Me Down The Road
To A Place I've Never Been Before
Open Up My Eyes
Show Me Colours That I've Never Seen
Open Up Your Mouth
Give Me Perfect Words I've Never Heard
I'm Ready Now Lets Go
Burn My World A Southpaw Curve
Fast And Hard
Like Vida Blue

Take Me Down The Road
To A Place I've Never Been Before
Open Up My Eyes
Show Me Colours That I've Never Seen
Open Up Your Mouth
Give Me Perfect Words I've Never Heard
I'm Ready Now Lets Go
Burn My World A Southpaw Curve
Fast And Hard Like Vida Blue

One Saturday I took a walk to Zipperhead
I met a girl there
And she almost knocked me dead
Punk rock girl please look at me
Punk rock girl what do you see?
Let's travel round the world
Just you and me punk rock girl

I tapped her on the shoulder
And said do you have a beau?
She looked at me and smiled
And said she did not know
Punk rock girl give me a chance
Punk rock girl let's go slamdance
We'll dress like Minnie Pearl
Just you and me punk rock girl

We went to the Phillie Pizza Company
And ordered some hot tea
The waitress said "Well noWe only have it iced"
So we jumped up on the table
And shouted "anarchy"
And someone played a Beach Boys song
On the jukeboxIt was "California Dreamin'"
So we started screamin
'"On such a winter's day"

She took me to her parents
For a Sunday meal
Her father took one look at me
And he began to squeal
Punk rock girl it makes no sense
Punk rock girl your dad is the Vice President
Rich as the Duke of Earl
Yeah you're for me punk rock girl

We went to a shopping mall
And laughed at all the shoppers
And security guards trailed us
To a record shop
We asked for Mojo Nixon
They said "He don't work here"
We said "If you don't got Mojo Nixon
Then your store could use some fixin"

We got into a car
Away we started rollin'
I said "How much you pay for this?"
She said "Nothing man, it's stolen"
Punk rock girl you look so wild
Punk rock girl let's have a child
We'll name her Minnie Pearl
Just you and me
Eating fudge banana swirl
Just you and me
We'll travel round the world
Just you and me punk rock girl..... :0)

having a case of the Mondays

So this morning I actually got up early and with ample time to get ready and get gas on the way to work. I made myself a delicious sandwich with turkey and ham and imported cheese and put it in a bag with dayquil to take to work.
I took a shower which was completely tepid. Freezing actually. Maybe it's because the dishwasher was running.
Can't find my purple hoodie. Left my hairbrush behind too. Had to leave with cold, wet hair.
Got to work and my lunch has mysteriously disappeared. I bet i get home to find the cats have devoured it. I am so hungry, but I don't feel like wasting my last bit of gas to get something. Vending machine lunch, anyone?

I look like crap. I don't feel great either. Ughhhhhh..................just a lot of little annoyances today. Gah.

Oh yeah, and the agitator on my washing machine went out and it took about five hours to dry my clothes because they were dripping wet. I guess I am going to have to wring each item out before putting it in the dryer now. Not sure how much it will cost to fix. I will probably be better off getting a new washer, which by the way, we cannot afford. Oh well... it was fun while it lasted.

Random thoughts

1. When will this day end? I am staring down the barrel of a fun and fabulous four day weekend and seventh anniversary with my hubbie.

2. I'm hungry.

3. When will I feel well? I've had a sinus infection for about a month, but I refuse to go on antibiotics, which is all a doc will do for me. My body's own defenses can fight this bugger off. It just may take a while. A long while.

4. Yay, we get paid tonight!!! Just in time.

5. I'm hungry still.

6. I really hope I can find a good home for my beloved Gilda. She deserves only the best.

7. My apartment is too drab. I wish we could paint some of the walls. I can't wait to own our own house and paint each room a unique color.

8. I have a bad feeling that we are going to get screwed at tax time. I can just feel it.

9. I am excited about Biloxi!!! I am going to lie down in the sand. I don't care how cold it is. I will feel it between my toes.

10. I hope Dav's truck isn't too terribly messed up. Thank you to his parents for helping us out so we can still go on our trip.

11. My thoughts and prayers are with the Haitian people. I can't imagine the magnitude of what they must be going through right now.

12. Things could be a lot, lot worse. I need to learn to quit taking things for granted so much. I am very blessed.

I thought this was profound

Genesis 8
The flood waters recede.
INSIGHT
Because the physical world reflects spiritual truth, the resurrection is pictured throughout nature. Man falls asleep at night but awakens in the morning. The earth "dies" each fall, sleeps throughout the winter, but awakens in the spring.
The earth died with the Great Flood, but Noah and his family emerged from the ark to enter a resurrected earth. Death is a fact of nature, but God abundantly pictures to us His promise: He will give us new life after death (John 3:16).
Noah's response and ours? Worship.

(courtesy: Quiet Walk devotional email)

Has some good things in the works

My and Dav's seventh wedding anniversary is next Sunday, January 17th. We found a super deal on a room at the Imperial Palace for Thursday night. We are taking a four day weekend. Happy happy joy joy!!! I need a vacation after all the overtime we've worked over the holidays. I'm so excited about our anniversary trip, even if it is for only one night *insert naughty thoughts here*. I really want to go to the Walter Anderson Museum of Art and wander down the beach. I highly recommend Walter Anderson's art. He had a really interesting life, and once bicycled from MS to NY, and he would paddle a boat out to the little islands off the coast and paint, even during hurricanes. A true artist, he was. I love love love love love the Mississippi Gulf Coast. I'd like to visit my grandma Nanny's grave too (it's just outside of Pascagoula.) My heart is just really down in that place, and I'd love to move there one day.

Also, I am getting ready for a cruise to Cozumel this April with my mom. We are booking it on Monday. We are going to visit some Mayan ruins and go snorkeling and even get to go up into a light house. I am soooo excited. There's nothing quite like cutting through the vast ocean waters on the bow of a ship, stout drink in hand, drinking in the beauty of God's creation.

Another great thing: I recently paid off a collection, and I checked my credit score and it has jumped 100 points overnight. It is now in the "fair" category, instead of "poor." I'm not holding my breath on this one, though. The credit industry is so fickle, it will probably be back in the trenches again next week. A girl can dream though, right?

The other day I started doing Pilates again, and now every muscle (and I do mean, EVERY MUSCLE) in my body is crying out for mercy now. Dav got us a Pilates for Indie Rockers DVD to do together, and it is pretty intense. It's cool though, because it's set to music that actually motivates me to exercise, and not some lame elevator music.

So far, 2010 has exceeded my expectations. *knocks on wood again*

so far so good

So, 2010 is here. So far, so good. Spent a laid back evening at home with Dav and Dorothy, drinking champagne and karaokeing. We prayed at midnight as we usually do. It was a lot of fun. Dav made pork tacos and dorothy made her yummy pico de gallo.

Today, I have to work, but I am working a later shift. I went to my in laws' house prior to work and had lunch. I got to meet Brian's new girlfriend, Whitney. She is such a sweetheart and fits right in with the family. The kids really like her too. I hope they are very happy together.

New year=new vacation time at work. I have some scheduled for the weekend of the 16th and 17th of January. January 17th is my and Dav's 7th wedding anniversary :0) I hope we can do something fun, or at least relax and enjoy each other's company.

Happy New Year to all!!