I think I'm really going to do it this time.
I popped a Klonopin today at work. It made me feel so tired. It didn't feel good any more. I'll be honest - I take one almost every day. They are prescribed, but sometimes I take them when I don't exactly *need* them. Same with my rx pain pills (though I only have one left). I had spine surgery and had a few stashed away. I also take ambien to sleep. I don't like being dependent on drugs. I don't like the way they make me feel... very tired.
I also drink about 2-3 beers almost every day. I'm really going to try to quit now. Quit it all. I'm taking the klon out of my purse and putting them in the medicine cabinet. I'm going straight edge.
I must be crazy. I don't think I've gone a day without taking SOMETHING (or having a drink) in months if not over a year. I am very scared. I know I am not going to be able to sleep tonight. Sigh. Maybe I should keep on with the ambien until my weekend, that way, if I can't sleep, I can rest the next day.
This is going to be hard as hell. What am I thinking? But I'm at least going to try.
Straight Edge!!!!!!!!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Monday, August 23, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Surgery
My heart hurts. It skips beats and falters. Some days I think it will quit beating altogether. One day, I believe, the Great Physician will anesthetize me. It will more than likely make others in my life very sad to see me in this state, but it is only temporary. He will remove my cold heart from my chest and remove the dead, weak parts. He will restore it. He will remove Anger, Cynicism, Bitterness, Jealousy, Hatred, Mistrust...all of the portions that caused my heart to grow weaker, as if removing bruises from a banana. I will no longer be encumbered by it. He will put this new heart back in my chest and start it beating again. He will then awaken me from my slumber. It will be as if hundreds of pounds have been lifted from my chest, nothing holding me back now. I will see His face for the first time, with new eyes. I will also see the faces of my beloveds. It will be as if no time had passed at all. Everything I've experienced prior to this point will be like a dream. I will see everyone's faces as they truly are-glorious and in the image of the Physician. Today is the first day of the rest of eternity.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
prom from hell
I was reading my friend Emmy's blog entry about her wedding disaster, and it reminded me of the awful prom experience I had, and guess what: she was involved in that, too (though it was NOT her fault). It's been almost ten years, but I thought I would write it out for all to enjoy.
In January 2001, my senior year, I began to date of of my brother Lindley's friends. His name was Steve, and he was in an "alt country" band with my brother. Needless to say, he was around the house a lot and we started to have feelings for one another (which caused Lindley to pick on both of us incessantly). Anyway, we started dating in January and honestly, it was a pretty bland relationship. We were never very serious. I thought he was cute, but it mostly just felt like a friendship (well, a friendship in which we occasionally kissed, and we hung out all the time). Anyway, Steve had already graduated, but he asked me if he could be my date to the senior prom. I had agreed. I wasn't really sure at that point if I was going, but now that I had a date, I thought, Why not? This was probably in January or February, and the prom was toward the end of April. Plenty of time to get ready, right?
I ordered my dress online and it arrived soon after and fit perfectly. It was a royal blue spaghetti strap dress with a sheer black layer, causing it to appear to be dark blue. It had a corset lace up the back and an a-line skirt (very pretty). Anyway, my friend Emily and I decided to double date. She'd gotten a date with a mutual friend, an underclassman. We spent the day getting ready together at my parents' house. We had a lunch of tacos, and spent hours beautifying ourselves. My mom curled my hair and pulled it partially back with pretty rhinestone hair pins. I hadn't heard from Steve that day, so I started to get nervous. I had called him a few times, but he didn't answer (he didn't have a cell phone - only a land line). Anyway, he was supposed to pick up Emily's date and we were all riding together. Finally, he shows up (late) and we start to take photos at my parents' house. I handed him a pretty coral rose boutinierre (sp?) that I had gotten him. He didn't have anything for me. I asked him why he didn't get me a corsage, and he said something lame like he didn't have time to pick one up for me. Apparently, three months is not enough time! This made me very upset, as this was one of the things I was really looking forward to. I'd never gotten a corsage before.
Anyway, we went off for the restaraurant. We went to Steam Room, a steak/seafood place. I ordered something and he didn't even offer to pay- we split it! (I had already paid for the prom tickets). Things couldn't get much worse, now could they? Wrong.
We finally got to the prom, and Steve sat his ass down in a chair all night, while I mingled with friends, every one of them asking if I had a date or not (I didn't have a corsage, or, you know, a PERSON with me!) He didn't dance a single dance with me all night. I begged him to. He didn't even take prom photos with me. He did the "senior walk through" with me, and I had to beg him to even do that much. He said he didn't feel well.
Finally, he said he felt bad enough to go home. He asked if I was coming with him. I agreed to go with him, because I didn't have another ride home. My friend Emily and her date found a ride home with someone else. I was home and in bed by 11 PM and I cried myself to sleep.
Needless to say, soon after, Steve and I broke up. Lindley got really upset with him for treating me this way, and the band broke up, too. Hahaha. I was the Yoko Ono of that band.
Years down the road, my husband has always known that I've wanted a corsage. He got me one for Valentine's Day 2006, I believe it was. It was absolutely perfect. It had dark red roses, purple and black ribbons, and little sticks with rhinestones on them. It was so beautiful that it made me cry. I wore it on my wrist all day at work. I didn't care how silly I looked. I still have it. I wish I had known David my senior year of high school - we would have had so much fun together at prom. I wouldn't meet him for another 8 or 9 months, though.
Long story short: prom sucks. It will never live up to your expectations. I don't care if I have a daughter and she wants to go. That's fine. I'm just going to let her know up front.
In January 2001, my senior year, I began to date of of my brother Lindley's friends. His name was Steve, and he was in an "alt country" band with my brother. Needless to say, he was around the house a lot and we started to have feelings for one another (which caused Lindley to pick on both of us incessantly). Anyway, we started dating in January and honestly, it was a pretty bland relationship. We were never very serious. I thought he was cute, but it mostly just felt like a friendship (well, a friendship in which we occasionally kissed, and we hung out all the time). Anyway, Steve had already graduated, but he asked me if he could be my date to the senior prom. I had agreed. I wasn't really sure at that point if I was going, but now that I had a date, I thought, Why not? This was probably in January or February, and the prom was toward the end of April. Plenty of time to get ready, right?
I ordered my dress online and it arrived soon after and fit perfectly. It was a royal blue spaghetti strap dress with a sheer black layer, causing it to appear to be dark blue. It had a corset lace up the back and an a-line skirt (very pretty). Anyway, my friend Emily and I decided to double date. She'd gotten a date with a mutual friend, an underclassman. We spent the day getting ready together at my parents' house. We had a lunch of tacos, and spent hours beautifying ourselves. My mom curled my hair and pulled it partially back with pretty rhinestone hair pins. I hadn't heard from Steve that day, so I started to get nervous. I had called him a few times, but he didn't answer (he didn't have a cell phone - only a land line). Anyway, he was supposed to pick up Emily's date and we were all riding together. Finally, he shows up (late) and we start to take photos at my parents' house. I handed him a pretty coral rose boutinierre (sp?) that I had gotten him. He didn't have anything for me. I asked him why he didn't get me a corsage, and he said something lame like he didn't have time to pick one up for me. Apparently, three months is not enough time! This made me very upset, as this was one of the things I was really looking forward to. I'd never gotten a corsage before.
Anyway, we went off for the restaraurant. We went to Steam Room, a steak/seafood place. I ordered something and he didn't even offer to pay- we split it! (I had already paid for the prom tickets). Things couldn't get much worse, now could they? Wrong.
We finally got to the prom, and Steve sat his ass down in a chair all night, while I mingled with friends, every one of them asking if I had a date or not (I didn't have a corsage, or, you know, a PERSON with me!) He didn't dance a single dance with me all night. I begged him to. He didn't even take prom photos with me. He did the "senior walk through" with me, and I had to beg him to even do that much. He said he didn't feel well.
Finally, he said he felt bad enough to go home. He asked if I was coming with him. I agreed to go with him, because I didn't have another ride home. My friend Emily and her date found a ride home with someone else. I was home and in bed by 11 PM and I cried myself to sleep.
Needless to say, soon after, Steve and I broke up. Lindley got really upset with him for treating me this way, and the band broke up, too. Hahaha. I was the Yoko Ono of that band.
Years down the road, my husband has always known that I've wanted a corsage. He got me one for Valentine's Day 2006, I believe it was. It was absolutely perfect. It had dark red roses, purple and black ribbons, and little sticks with rhinestones on them. It was so beautiful that it made me cry. I wore it on my wrist all day at work. I didn't care how silly I looked. I still have it. I wish I had known David my senior year of high school - we would have had so much fun together at prom. I wouldn't meet him for another 8 or 9 months, though.
Long story short: prom sucks. It will never live up to your expectations. I don't care if I have a daughter and she wants to go. That's fine. I'm just going to let her know up front.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Heat waves and nostalgia
So the high today is going to be 103, with a heat index of 110. It's going to be right at 100 or higher every day this week. I loathe summer. Oh, how I long for autumn, with the crisp evenings and lack of humidity, colorful leaves drifting to the ground... It's August, and in Mississippi, that means we have at least two and a half more months of this crap. It may cool off a little bit, but back in 2008, we didn't get our first cool snap until thanksgiving. I hope that doesn't happen again this year.....
Our A/C is blasting at full capacity. I went to bed and it was still warm in the bedroom. Sometime during the night, it cooled to a nice temperature, because I remember that the nature of my dreams changed. I dreamt that I was going to somewhere with a cooler climate, and I could feel the change in temperature, which more than likely coincided with the A/C finally starting to cool things down. Then, just before I woke, I dreamed that I was going to India, of all places. So much for the cooler climate....
I stumbled upon an old blog of mine today. http://ashmcperk.livejournal.com/
Ah, the good old days of being impoverished and in nursing school, working two jobs and living off three hours of sleep, being 2 months behind on rent, living on caffeine and nicotine, and having chronic bronchitis as a result...I do miss some of the friendships, though. And is it just me, or do I never go out anymore? I miss going to shows and seeing bands perform. I'm becoming and old fogey and I'm not even 30. Somewhere in the journal, a posting from 2008, I believe, I said that in a couple of years I hoped we'd own a house and to be working on a baby McPerk. *snorts* Life never turns out the way you hope, does it? That's not to say I'm unhappy -I'm not. I'm very happy. I have a better job, and though we struggle, at least we are able to pay all of our bills. Things are a hell of a lot better than they used to be.
I miss my Gilda and Rameses though. I miss hanging out with Rachel. I miss driving around south Jackson with her, not really going anywhere, smoking and listening to music. I miss some things, but others I do not.
Our A/C is blasting at full capacity. I went to bed and it was still warm in the bedroom. Sometime during the night, it cooled to a nice temperature, because I remember that the nature of my dreams changed. I dreamt that I was going to somewhere with a cooler climate, and I could feel the change in temperature, which more than likely coincided with the A/C finally starting to cool things down. Then, just before I woke, I dreamed that I was going to India, of all places. So much for the cooler climate....
I stumbled upon an old blog of mine today. http://ashmcperk.livejournal.com/
Ah, the good old days of being impoverished and in nursing school, working two jobs and living off three hours of sleep, being 2 months behind on rent, living on caffeine and nicotine, and having chronic bronchitis as a result...I do miss some of the friendships, though. And is it just me, or do I never go out anymore? I miss going to shows and seeing bands perform. I'm becoming and old fogey and I'm not even 30. Somewhere in the journal, a posting from 2008, I believe, I said that in a couple of years I hoped we'd own a house and to be working on a baby McPerk. *snorts* Life never turns out the way you hope, does it? That's not to say I'm unhappy -I'm not. I'm very happy. I have a better job, and though we struggle, at least we are able to pay all of our bills. Things are a hell of a lot better than they used to be.
I miss my Gilda and Rameses though. I miss hanging out with Rachel. I miss driving around south Jackson with her, not really going anywhere, smoking and listening to music. I miss some things, but others I do not.
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