Sunday, May 30, 2010

Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

I just have to rant for a moment. Today has just been one of those days. It began as follows:

I woke up, seeing a missed call from Dav. Brian went to work and took my house key, so when I leave for work, I will not be able to lock the door. Luckily, Brian works walking distance from our place, so I only had to go down there and get it. He even bought me a Diet Pepsi, so no biggie.

Last Thursday, I called my clinic to get them to phone in a refill of my rx. They told me they did. The pharmacy opened at 10 AM (I had to be at work by 11, so I have to leave at 10:30). I called the pharmacy and they said they didn't get it. I called Walgreens in Pearl also. Nothing. I even called Wal-Mart. Nothing. Of course, it being a Sunday, the clinic was closed. I called the after hours number and they said they would have to have the nurse call me back (and the recording told me that I may be BILLED for this call-what???) Let me clarify that this medication has to be started today or it is completely useless for the next month (it's birth control). I have to have it today.

The nurse finally called me back and she told me she had to check my chart and call me back. After a morning of phone tagging, I finally got it filled at the Walgreens by my work. So I'll just go on my lunch break.

I look in my wallet for my debit card. Lo and behold, I left it at home!!!! I'm making plans to just take a long lunch and drive all the way back to Brandon to get my debit card, and then come back up here to work. I am about to be out the door when I realize, tomorrow is a holiday. I don't have to come in but I get paid. But, if I leave early today, or take any unexcused time off, I will NOT get paid for tomorrow and my check will be eight hours short. Arrrghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What else is going to happen today?????

So i'm going on my lunch break. Luckily, I can pay for my rx with a check. I hope I don't run out of gas (the gas stations don't take checks). I would just get Dav to pick it up for me, but he has to work until 4, and he doesn't have anyone to cover for him. Dorothy is meeting me over lunch and said she'd loan me a few bucks if I needed it.

Thank goodness for good friends.

*end of rant*

Late night confessions

The other evening, I was up late again, having another great late night conversations with dear friends about various topics.

"I can forgive, but I will never forget."

This sounds innocent enough. It would be foolish to forget any lesson that may be learned after going through certain trials. But let's examine this statement a little closer. What does this really mean? I know what it means for me, anyway. It means, "I am saying that I am forgiving you, and I will be nice to you again, temporarily, but what I really mean is now I have "ammunition" to use against you in our next argument." For that reason, I love "forgiving" people because it comes in handy later. I do this with my husband, my family, and my closest friends. That's pretty messed up. That's not forgiveness at all.


Let's think for a moment, shall we? What if God's forgiveness was so conditional? What if, when I die, I stare Him in the face and He says, "Well, you know, Ashley, I forgive you, but...."

The Bible says that if we don't forgive our brothers when they sin against us, our sins will not be forgiven. Conditional forgiveness is no forgiveness at all. I've got to get my act together. I'm a grudge holder. I love a good grudge. But it does nothing but make me an angry, bitter person. A person I don't want to be.

I haven't given up hope. One thing I've learned is that forgiveness is a daily discipline. I can think I've forgiven the person, and there's the anger again, rearing its ugly head on a new day. Every day, we have a choice to make. God loves us so much that He gives us second, third, and infinite chances to get it right.

Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever.
Amen

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

God's will versus our free will

I've been giving a lot of thought to the topic of free will versus God's will for us. I know a lot of people think that God has this ultimate plan for their life (with regards to who they are supposed to marry, their career, having children, where to live, etc. The list goes on). They just keep praying and waiting on God to give them an answer and sometimes it doesn't seem to come. I used to subscribe to this line of thought too.

The more I think about it, the more I think that God's ultimate will for us is to accept His Son, Christ Jesus, and try to love everyone else in our life (regardless of their beliefs, race, sex, etc etc etc) and put others ahead of ourselves. The rest is up to us. God isn't going to write it in the sky (though He could if He wanted to). I think that God has ultimate purposes for us in some matters. He puts people in our lives for a reason, to point them to Him, or to point us to Him. I think that God creates people as a blank slate. Well, perhaps He does create us with certain qualities that we are born with and which we may have little control. The bottom line is, God gave us free will, and we can use that free will as we may. With the free will God has given us, He has given us the capacity to love intensely, and to cause much evil. (If you subscribe to the chaos theory, you will see where I am going with this). Does that mean that God is the source of evil? Absolutely not. It is a by product of our having a choice. If we do not have the option of doing evil works, we really don't have a choice at all.

This entry has gotten a lot deeper than I intended, but the bottom line is, I think a lot of people pray for God's will in their lives with certain things, and they seem to go unanswered. Does that mean God is uninterested or doesn't care? Absolutely not. He does care, and with the power of His Spirit, as believers, we have the ability to make the choice that we feel is best. It doesn't matter if you head a church, or are a CEO, a musician, a waitress, or work in a call center. We all have the ability to show God's love to others that normally might not see it. It is our responsibility as believers. Whatever our lot in life, it is our job.

I have Scriptural basis for this, but I will have to post that at a later date. I know some people may disagree with me, but that's OK. I don't think any of us have it 100% right. A lot of it is just guesswork on this side of eternity, and that's OK. I know all of these questions will be answered one day, and for that I rejoice.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Ship Island weekend

So Dav and I went along with our friend James to Ship Island on Thursday. With the oil slick getting closer and closer every day, we figured that this may be one of our last chances to go. Dav and I have been to the gulf coast many times, but never to Ship Island, so on Thursday we picked up James and took off for the beach.



We got there just before noon and hopped on the ferry. It was approximately an hour ride. We got to stand on the top of the ship and spotted numerous dolphins. It was so much fun being on the bow of the boat, wind whipping through my hair. i was now also grateful that I had cut my hair short... it was flying everywhere!!

For reasons I cannot explain, whenever I go to the Mississippi Gulf Coast, I feel more alive and like a child again. I feel like a part of me that was missing is now complete. I feel so happy every time I go there, whether I am doing anything exciting or not. I really want to move there one day, maybe take a job at the Ocean Springs call center, if Dav could find work there. But I digress.



We arrived at Ship Island (which is approximately 11 miles off the mainland) at around 1 PM. We toured Fort Massachusetts, which was a fort that was built just following the War of 1812. It was fascinating to see the craftsmanship. There was still a HUGE cannon on the top wall. It has survived so much... Hurricane Camille (which split Ship Island in half) and a 40 foot storm surge during Katrina. Amazing.



After the hour-long tour of the fort with the park ranger (who kept referring to the oil spill as "the recent 'incident' in the Gulf"- I think he even used "air quotes"), we walked to the south side of the island. The water was much clearer than that on the mainland (even though it was still green). It was so clean. We jumped into the water. The waves were even rather large. You could probably surf there. I got knocked on my ass a few times!! The sand was beautiful, white and clean. We picked up a few sea shells and almost walked the entire length of the island (a few miles long). The amazing thing about the island is that it is just nothing but beach and water (well, there is a concession stand and umbrella/chair rental place but that's it). It's completely unspoiled and very, very serene. We didn't see any tar balls or oil, thought there was boom set up around the edge of the water near the fort. Needless to say, I fell in love with the island and want to go back. I sincerely hope that I will be able to do so.

After arriving back in Gulfport via the ferry at around 6:00 PM, we checked into our hotel and I sat down in a chair and found a pool of sand on it when I stood up. I then proceeded to take a long, much needed shower. That evening we ate at a restaurant in nearby Ocean Springs that James recommended, called Shady's. I really enjoyed it. I've never been to downtown Ocean Springs, but it is very quaint and artsy. I would describe this restaurant as "eclectic," as it had everything from pad thai to seafood to barbecue on the menu. I had a pulled pork sandwich that was AMAZING, Dav had shrimp, and I think James had a grouper sandwich. We sat outside on the patio (did I mention that the weather was amazing that day? It was a little humid, but the ocean breezes felt fantastic. It rather sunny, but there were a few clouds).

The next morning, we ate a huge breakfast and hit the outlet mall. I bought a giant bottle of b12 at Vitamin World, and Dav bought a new watch face for his Fossil watch (gotta love the outlet).

We were home by around 4:30 and I was EXHAUSTED. My legs hurt from walking up and down the sandy beach. We took a ton of pics which I hope to upload either here or to Facebook soon. All in all, it was a fantastic trip that I will not soon forget.

Monday, May 17, 2010

what is wrong with me?

My mysterious illness is striking again. I should have known. A couple of days ago it started with the mysterious numbness and tingling in my legs. Today I had one of the debilitating weak spells at my desk that lasted for about an hour. I literally had to put my head down on my desk. Most of the time, they come in the same time of day (after lunch) and last for about the same amount of time. I have considered many possibilities: low or high blood sugar, dehydration, anemia, pernicious anemia (B12 deficiency), hypothyroidism. At a point, a doctor even thought I had an adrenal disease. I had a neurologist test me for multiple sclerosis.

This all culminated in me being admitted to the hospital in November 2008. Every test known to man was run, and ruled out. I had extreme numbness in my legs to the point that I couldn't walk, tremors in my hands, and I had left-sided weakness and slurring of my speech (strokelike symptoms). I was in the hospital for three days and they didn't find a damn thing wrong with me, except for a slight B12 deficiency.

My symptoms include:
numbness and tingling in my extremities (most notably my legs/feet, and my hands/fingers)
debilitating weak spells in which I cannot stand up or even hold my head up at times
sensitivity to cold (though I've had this my whole life)
lethargy
nausea

I remember in 2008 when it got so bad that I could not get out of bed. It's improved, slightly, but it's something I deal with on almost a daily basis. Many mornings I wake up and my legs are numb and tingly again (imagine your legs are asleep). I get out of bed and move around, but the sensation never goes away. I've seen so many specialists that I can't even keep up: neurologist, endocrinologists, etc. They have performed CTs, MRIs, EEGs, a nerve conduction test... checked my hormone levels. Nothing nothing nothing. At the hospital, they never could figure out the cause, so for insurance purposes, they coded it "anxiety." My ass.

I've come to terms with the fact that I will probably deal with this the rest of my life, but I just want to know what it is.

I can barely feel my fingertips as I type this.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

enough is enough

The oil spill in the Gulf has been going on for almost 3 weeks. Eleven lives were lost. And yet, we have no answers, no end in sight. This is unacceptable. Where's the outrage? You can kiss our beaches goodbye. So long, fresh caught Gulf shrimp and other seafood. So much for going to the beach. Three weeks, and no progress. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. You can bet BP will pay for the cleanup, by jacking up gasoline prices.

Boycott BP. That is all.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Turning the other cheek

Recently, I was having a conversative with someone. He was having a difficult time with a person in his life that only wanted to be antagonistic and start arguments every single time they interacted. This person had gone so far as to spread rumors about him, in addition to picking fights with him at every available opportunity. I told him that, one thing God has taught me is that it takes two people to argue. We began discussing what it means to turn the other cheek.

"Turn the other cheek" is an expression that is used so often that it has almost lost its original meaning. From the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5), Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.'[g] 39But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. 41If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. 42Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you."

This really puts things into perspective for me. Turning the other cheek is not simple and it's not fun. Jesus means, literally, once someone has smacked you in the face, turn your face and let them smack the crap out of the other side too. Wow.

Now, I was in no position to preach to my friend regarding this issue whatsoever. I have a really difficult time controlling my temper, and I've been known to start arguments over minor misunderstandings. I jokingly say that it's the redhead in me, but I really, really want to work on this. This is probably the thing I struggle with the most in life.

Jesus goes on to say to pray for your enemies, and to bless those who persecute you. I'm also really bad about gossipping. This is something I'm really trying to change. I open my mouth without thinking. I guess by sharing this with others, I'm hoping whoever is reading this will help me.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Final day of cruise

The next morning I woke up and we had breakfast on the lido. It was still cooler and kind of rainy. I soaked in the hot tub again and watched the ocean roll by.

Later that day, Mom and I participated in the "Groove for Saint Jude" fundraiser. We purchased the t shirts and then went to a dance party in the disco. There was even a hula hoop contest. I remember my mom telling me that she was the hula hoop champion as a child, and I nudged her on down to enter the contest. Eight contestants competed, and it came down to her and an eight year old boy!!! They called it a tie, and they both won a plastic trophy shaped like the ship. I laughed my ass off. It was awesome. Go Mom!!!!!!!

Later that evening, Mom and I went to another show. This one was called Night Club Express and featured dancers from various famous nightclubs throughout the decades (think the Copa, the Cotton club, discoteques, swing dancers, etc). It was really pretty cool, though nothing could compare to the Beatles show. Then we went to dinner. I had veal parmesan. It was really delicious.

After dinner, we went to check out the comic Kenny Miller again. This evening, he was doing his 18 and up show. Mom and I sat in the second row. He started doing the bit where he singled people out in the audience. He singled me out and asked if I was even old enough to be in the show. I told him yes, that I was 27. I also pointed out to him that I was splitting a beer with my mom (I guess that is kind of funny). He laughed at me and told me I needed to start living life a little harder. He started talking about music and later on asked me what I listened to, Justin Bieber?? All throughout the show I was dubbed Justin Bieber girl (even though I had my Ramones shirt on, haha). It was really funny. He was a lot funnier that night than he was with the all ages show.

We capped the evening off by going to listen to (you guessed it) The Music Highlights in Cat's Lounge. They played the Rolling Stones and the Kinks and all kinds of other awesomeness. I danced a lot. All in all, it was a fantastic way to end an amazing trip.



The next morning, we were docked back at Mobile. Mom and I decided to take our own luggage off the ship and to get off sooner, and started getting off at around 7:30. Customs and border patrol had a really long line, and my suitcase kept falling off its wheels and I ended up dragging it most of the way. By the time we got home, I had discovered that my suitcase had a couple of small holes in it from dragging it around, and my favorite halter dress had a big hole it in too!!! I loved that dress and have had it for like 5 years. Very sad. I am going to try to salvage it if I can.

I had a really fun time on the trip, but I was so glad to see Hubby. I missed him so much!! Because I was at sea most of the time, I was barely able to speak to him in four days (costs for cell calls at sea are really high - I did make one though.)

All in all, a good time was had. Already plotting our next trip.