So Christmas kind of snuck up on me this year. We had an evening of fun with Dav's family on Christmas eve. I had a blast with the kids, and the stockings (aka, great big garbage can of love), was brought back by popular demand.
Christmas day had us at my parents' house in the morning. We had a lot of fun. I helped my mom cook dinner for the crowd that evening (my extended family usually totals around fifty people squeezed in my parents' house, and yes, they all like to talk as much as I do.) It was a great time. It just didn't feel like Christmas this year.
And today it just feels like I am worn out and didn't get an extra day to rest. Christmas eve and day fell on my regular "weekend" off, and as such I had to come to work the day after (today) without a day to recover. They decided to give me an arbitrary Tuesday off to make up for it. Ah, AT&T.
Anyway, I am looking forward to Tuesday. I plan to redefine the word "lazy," and maybe, just maybe, start putting things together for new year's eve. I have to work the next day after that too (though not till the afternoon).
All I'm saying is my check better be looking good after all this.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Yesterday was the ten year anniversary of when I accepted Christ. When I truly did. Winter solstice, 1999. I will never forget it. I thank God so much for giving me a second chance. And a third and fourth and fifth........
When I was younger, around 11 or so, I prayed the salvation prayer because the southern baptists had me so scared of hell. It meant nothing. I didn't even tell anyone. Nothing changed.
In 1999, I accepted Christ out of love, not fear. Fear will not cause anyone to really, truly change. I fell in love with this Man, Jesus. The author Donald Miller says that sometimes you have to watch someone love something before you can love it yourself. That is so true.
Every once in a while, when I see friends grow closer to God, or accept Christ, it makes me fall in love all over again.
Some days I don't feel very spiritual. I don't feel like reading the Bible or praying very much. Luckily, God's love for me never changes. I've learned that the relationship I have with Him is not based on how spiritual I feel. He will never leave me or forsake me. Sometimes, I drift off course and do stupid things and put other things ahead of Him (frequently, actually), but He always welcomes me back with open arms.
It doesn't get much better than that.
So everytime it gets cold, I'm reminded of His love, and grace. I love winter :0)
Be blessed.
When I was younger, around 11 or so, I prayed the salvation prayer because the southern baptists had me so scared of hell. It meant nothing. I didn't even tell anyone. Nothing changed.
In 1999, I accepted Christ out of love, not fear. Fear will not cause anyone to really, truly change. I fell in love with this Man, Jesus. The author Donald Miller says that sometimes you have to watch someone love something before you can love it yourself. That is so true.
Every once in a while, when I see friends grow closer to God, or accept Christ, it makes me fall in love all over again.
Some days I don't feel very spiritual. I don't feel like reading the Bible or praying very much. Luckily, God's love for me never changes. I've learned that the relationship I have with Him is not based on how spiritual I feel. He will never leave me or forsake me. Sometimes, I drift off course and do stupid things and put other things ahead of Him (frequently, actually), but He always welcomes me back with open arms.
It doesn't get much better than that.
So everytime it gets cold, I'm reminded of His love, and grace. I love winter :0)
Be blessed.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
weird ass dream
OK, so I had a bizarre, creepy dream last night. Not for the faint of heart:
I dream that I was pregnant. I was excited. I do want to have kids, just not at this very moment. But if it happens I think I would be pretty excited. So, that wasn't so weird.
Anyway, the pregnancy progressed really quickly and i remember touching my belly and being able to feel the arms and legs of the child jutting through. OK, kind of strange, but whatever.
Anyway, I dreamed that I was at someone's house. It was kind of dimly lit, with candles around. Anyway, I went into labor. The child got "stuck" trying to come out and I'm not sure what happened (an emergency cessarean?) but when the child finally came out (a boy).... he was like four years old!!!!!!!!!!!! Weird weird weird. Maybe I have been reading too much twilight. Anyway... I remember it being painful and scary obviously, but mostly being worried about the child (I can't very well call it a baby, now can I?)
Weird dream indeed. I have a lot of weird dreams. Maybe I shouldn't have had the cheese straws and Milwaukee's Best Ice tall boy right before bed...?
I dream that I was pregnant. I was excited. I do want to have kids, just not at this very moment. But if it happens I think I would be pretty excited. So, that wasn't so weird.
Anyway, the pregnancy progressed really quickly and i remember touching my belly and being able to feel the arms and legs of the child jutting through. OK, kind of strange, but whatever.
Anyway, I dreamed that I was at someone's house. It was kind of dimly lit, with candles around. Anyway, I went into labor. The child got "stuck" trying to come out and I'm not sure what happened (an emergency cessarean?) but when the child finally came out (a boy).... he was like four years old!!!!!!!!!!!! Weird weird weird. Maybe I have been reading too much twilight. Anyway... I remember it being painful and scary obviously, but mostly being worried about the child (I can't very well call it a baby, now can I?)
Weird dream indeed. I have a lot of weird dreams. Maybe I shouldn't have had the cheese straws and Milwaukee's Best Ice tall boy right before bed...?
Monday, December 14, 2009
oh yeah
Today is OK, I guess. Just waiting for payday. Currently on lunch break and listening to Pandora. It's funny, because it's playing a lot of songs that I like, but I forgot existed. Gotta love the 90's. Dav is at home making his yummy chicken and dumplings. I can't wait to go home and enjoy dinner with him.
So when we get paid on Thursday, I have to start (and hopefully finish) my Christmas shopping. I have a couple of December birthdays too (Dorothy and my mom). Send out Christmas cards. Stand the tree back up from the thousandth time that the cats see fit to knock it over. Ah, the holidays.
I wish that we had a separate mailbox for the Christmas cards and letters and happy stuff. Magazines and the like. Separate from the nasty bills. Oh well.
Next month is my and Dav's SEVEN year wedding anniversary (January 17th). Damn, I feel old. I love him so much. I hope we can do something fun for our anniversary. Usually we go to New Orleans, Memphis, or the coast for the weekend. Last year, we spent the night in Vicksburg but that was still pretty cool because it was a jacuzzi room. Very nice indeed.
So when we get paid on Thursday, I have to start (and hopefully finish) my Christmas shopping. I have a couple of December birthdays too (Dorothy and my mom). Send out Christmas cards. Stand the tree back up from the thousandth time that the cats see fit to knock it over. Ah, the holidays.
I wish that we had a separate mailbox for the Christmas cards and letters and happy stuff. Magazines and the like. Separate from the nasty bills. Oh well.
Next month is my and Dav's SEVEN year wedding anniversary (January 17th). Damn, I feel old. I love him so much. I hope we can do something fun for our anniversary. Usually we go to New Orleans, Memphis, or the coast for the weekend. Last year, we spent the night in Vicksburg but that was still pretty cool because it was a jacuzzi room. Very nice indeed.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
sigh
Today is not a happy day for me. I am stressed beyond belief. I am attempting to read the Bible and talk to God about it because I haven't been so close to Him lately, but tears are spilling onto the pages. I just hurt a lot today. Life is hurtful today. It is stressful and mean and unfair today. Sometimes I feel like I can never do anything right. Every choice I make is the wrong one. There is no right choice. I try to be humble and Christlike but I am tired of being kicked while I am down. Christ is God; I am not. I need Him to get me through this because I cannot go it alone. I am trying so hard to help others and I am treading water myself. I feel like I am sinking.
God, please pick me up and hold me in Your arms. I need Your saving grace.
God, please pick me up and hold me in Your arms. I need Your saving grace.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
I love this time of year
For obvious reasons. It's not oppressively hot and I don't have to shower five times a day. I actually enjoy the shorter days at times. I'm just a autumn/winter kind of girl. I really enjoy Christmas of course, but also New Years eve. David and I pray at midnight every year, asking that God forgive us of our sins, guide us in the year to come, and to thank Him for a new year. It's a tradition that I look forward to every year.
Also, many major changes have happened to me in the winter months, many awe-inspiring things. In December 1999 (December 21, winter solstice, to be exact), I legitimately accepted Christ and decided to try to follow His teachings. I had grown up going to church and had it drilled into me from an early age, but it didn't truly mean anything to me until then. This is when I began my relationship with God, my Saviour. There have been a few bumps in the road on my part, but this day set me down the path I believe I will follow through eternity. I fell in love with Jesus, truly.
In January 2002, I met David Randall Perkins at Hinds in Raymond. I noticed him immediately but never thought the feelings would be requited. He did, however, ask me out and we began dating the following month. We spent many happy days in the campus library, dodging the cold and the rain. We challenged each other mentally and spiritually. It was truly a miracle.
Almost a year to the date that we met, on January 17, 2003, we married in Florida. We had a short honeymoon and walked on the near deserted beach. It was truly a piece of heaven on earth.
I know it sounds silly, but every year when it gets cool/cold for the first time, it reminds me of God's love for me, and His grace.
Also, many major changes have happened to me in the winter months, many awe-inspiring things. In December 1999 (December 21, winter solstice, to be exact), I legitimately accepted Christ and decided to try to follow His teachings. I had grown up going to church and had it drilled into me from an early age, but it didn't truly mean anything to me until then. This is when I began my relationship with God, my Saviour. There have been a few bumps in the road on my part, but this day set me down the path I believe I will follow through eternity. I fell in love with Jesus, truly.
In January 2002, I met David Randall Perkins at Hinds in Raymond. I noticed him immediately but never thought the feelings would be requited. He did, however, ask me out and we began dating the following month. We spent many happy days in the campus library, dodging the cold and the rain. We challenged each other mentally and spiritually. It was truly a miracle.
Almost a year to the date that we met, on January 17, 2003, we married in Florida. We had a short honeymoon and walked on the near deserted beach. It was truly a piece of heaven on earth.
I know it sounds silly, but every year when it gets cool/cold for the first time, it reminds me of God's love for me, and His grace.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
random end of year/holiday musings
Random thoughts:
Should I go ahead and download Exene Cervenka's solo album on iTunes or order the CD from Amazon? I want to listen to it asap, but there's also something to be said about buying the CD and getting the liner notes, etc. Amazon's review reads as follows:
"Somewhere Gone, Exene's first solo album since 1991, is a sometimes dreamy but always intimate, circuitous passage through folk and country; subdued, but no less edgy. Invoking other artists who travel easily between the worlds of words and music like Leonard Cohen and Patti Smith, Exene's lyrics and immediately recognizable, simultaneously fragile and totemic vocals carry all the passion of X without all the loud.Sonically, Somewhere Gone is a sometimes sparse, sometimes exuberant blend of folk, deep country and wide-open spaces.Exene is a genuine icon and inspiration to a generation."
That being said, I think I will download it from iTunes. If I really like it, I may buy the CD later.
Here in a few minutes, I'm going to be taking a training course on Windows 7. Someone wake me up in 45 minutes, please.
I really need to start Christmas shopping, soon. I have to shop for the following peoples: Mom and Dad, Mom and Dad Perkins, Grandma, Ging, Lindley and Mel (joint gift for them, likely), Gabriel, Katie, Maggie, Kaleb, my uncle David, Dav's uncle Randy, Larry and Fran.... I know I am missing someone here, but it's just not coming to me. I would love love love to buy my friends gifts as well, but the money situation just isn't shaping up to look like I will be able to. I am going to send out cards though, probably toward the end of the month.
I am looking forward to the holiday mania, honestly. I am blessed with wonderful family on both sides. I look forward to Christmas Eve with the Perkins every year and Christmas day with my family. Christmas morning is my immediate family (Mom, Dad, me, Dav, Lin, Mel and Gabe), then the whole extended family comes over that afternoon (around 50 people).
Not sure what we are doing for New Years Eve this year, but we will come up with something fun. It's my favorite time of year, and 2010 has GOT to be better than 2009. I hope anyway.....
My goals for next year include paying off my credit card, and hopefully Dav's as well. Our lease on the apartment expires next September, so I hope to be house shopping by then :0)
...............................................
Should I go ahead and download Exene Cervenka's solo album on iTunes or order the CD from Amazon? I want to listen to it asap, but there's also something to be said about buying the CD and getting the liner notes, etc. Amazon's review reads as follows:
"Somewhere Gone, Exene's first solo album since 1991, is a sometimes dreamy but always intimate, circuitous passage through folk and country; subdued, but no less edgy. Invoking other artists who travel easily between the worlds of words and music like Leonard Cohen and Patti Smith, Exene's lyrics and immediately recognizable, simultaneously fragile and totemic vocals carry all the passion of X without all the loud.Sonically, Somewhere Gone is a sometimes sparse, sometimes exuberant blend of folk, deep country and wide-open spaces.Exene is a genuine icon and inspiration to a generation."
That being said, I think I will download it from iTunes. If I really like it, I may buy the CD later.
Here in a few minutes, I'm going to be taking a training course on Windows 7. Someone wake me up in 45 minutes, please.
I really need to start Christmas shopping, soon. I have to shop for the following peoples: Mom and Dad, Mom and Dad Perkins, Grandma, Ging, Lindley and Mel (joint gift for them, likely), Gabriel, Katie, Maggie, Kaleb, my uncle David, Dav's uncle Randy, Larry and Fran.... I know I am missing someone here, but it's just not coming to me. I would love love love to buy my friends gifts as well, but the money situation just isn't shaping up to look like I will be able to. I am going to send out cards though, probably toward the end of the month.
I am looking forward to the holiday mania, honestly. I am blessed with wonderful family on both sides. I look forward to Christmas Eve with the Perkins every year and Christmas day with my family. Christmas morning is my immediate family (Mom, Dad, me, Dav, Lin, Mel and Gabe), then the whole extended family comes over that afternoon (around 50 people).
Not sure what we are doing for New Years Eve this year, but we will come up with something fun. It's my favorite time of year, and 2010 has GOT to be better than 2009. I hope anyway.....
My goals for next year include paying off my credit card, and hopefully Dav's as well. Our lease on the apartment expires next September, so I hope to be house shopping by then :0)
...............................................
Monday, November 9, 2009
Can things be looking up for ol' Ash?????
So I had my court date today. I had to be at the justice court at 8:30. I proudly pled "not guilty" at my arraigment in September and today it was show time. I got there at around 8:15, and my attorney had not yet shown up. 8:40 rolls around before he gets there. He walks up to the prosecutor, speaks briefly, and speaks to the judge as well. Then he gestures for me to meet him outside the courtroom. Freedom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not only did the prosecutor agree to drop the charges due to a lack of evidence (for those of you playing along at home, I was arrested for DUI - other substance *narcotic pain pill that I was prescribed*), but the cop that arrested me didn't even show up!!! hahahaha. So they would have dropped the charges anyway. I'm willing to bet the cop thought I would get scared out of my wits and plead guilty and pay the fine and have my license revoked. But you don't back a McKellar into a corner unless you want her to come out fighting like a wildcat. He didn't even have the nerve to show up. That's what gets me....
Anyway, I am now at a point where I wish to put this nightmarish ordeal behind me. Things may possibly be looking up for me at this point. I am paying off a credit card next week (one I've had for six years now).
I don't want to jinx myself here. I'm almost kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is that an awful way to live, or what???
Oh.... and the attorney that represented me, a friend of my mom's boss... pro bono. :0)
Someone is getting a Honey Baked ham soon. I know it's not much, but I can't think of what else to do.
Not only did the prosecutor agree to drop the charges due to a lack of evidence (for those of you playing along at home, I was arrested for DUI - other substance *narcotic pain pill that I was prescribed*), but the cop that arrested me didn't even show up!!! hahahaha. So they would have dropped the charges anyway. I'm willing to bet the cop thought I would get scared out of my wits and plead guilty and pay the fine and have my license revoked. But you don't back a McKellar into a corner unless you want her to come out fighting like a wildcat. He didn't even have the nerve to show up. That's what gets me....
Anyway, I am now at a point where I wish to put this nightmarish ordeal behind me. Things may possibly be looking up for me at this point. I am paying off a credit card next week (one I've had for six years now).
I don't want to jinx myself here. I'm almost kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is that an awful way to live, or what???
Oh.... and the attorney that represented me, a friend of my mom's boss... pro bono. :0)
Someone is getting a Honey Baked ham soon. I know it's not much, but I can't think of what else to do.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
a tough year
2009 has been without a doubt one of the most difficult and heart breaking years that I have lived through in my 27 years of life. As it draws to a close, I can honestly say I am looking forward to what the new year will bring with subdued optimism.
The year started out innocently enough.
In early February, I was on my lunch break, driving to the pharmacy and stopped at a red light. Some one rear ended me without even applying his brakes. He was going at least 55 miles per hour. I am thankful that I had my seat belt on, because I was OK. I only suffered muscle fatigue and whiplash. My car, the Sled verison 2.0, the best car I have ever owned, was not so lucky. She was totalled, just as I was getting rather near to paying it off. I had to jump through a lot of hoops, but I finally got everything settled with the insurance company, and purchased another car. And another note. Sigh. At the end of February, my beloved cat Rameses was hit by a car. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him. The best cat I've ever had. The best pet, period.
In May, just over three months after I purchased the new car, the transmission went out. It was no longer under warranty, so I had to have a new transmission financed for 1500.00
I'm not sure if it had anything to do with the accident, but my occasional back pain began to get worse and worse. It was getting debilitating. I had a spinal fusion in 1997 at the age of 14, and up until recently had had no other problems. I was finally referred to a fantastic orthopedist at the Mississippi Spine clinic. He put me on a few different medications, but I had no relief. Finally, an x ray revealed that the "knot" in my upper spine was actually a protruding crosslink from the spinal fusion, and I was advised that I could have it removed in a minor procedure. In June, I had the procedure and only spent one night in the hospital. I had a fairly easy recovery. It took about two weeks.
On July 3, Dav and I received an early morning call that changed our lives. Dav's grandfather, affectionally known as Pap, had died in his sleep during a brief hospital stay. He had been suffering from internal bleeding and things had been touch and go, but he was released from ICU and was expected to go home soon, but he didn't make it. The next few days were a blur. I found myself going through the grieving process, something I have never really done as an adult. I tried to console Dav and his family, but it was just so hard. He was Dav's tight knit family's patriarch. It was a very tough time in his family. I felt so much regret that I didn't visit him more while he was in the hospital. It was all just so sudden. It was heartbreaking to see the pain that Ging, Dav's grandmother, was going through. They had been married for 66 years.
On September 4, at around 12:30 AM, I was driving Dav's brother Brian home from our house. I was the designated driver. It was Labor Day weekend. At around 7:30 PM, I had taken a percocet for some back pain that I was still experiencing from the surgery. I was pulled over by a highway patrol officer who thought I was intoxicated. I had advised him that I hadn't had anything to drink, but he asked me if I was on any medication and I told him yes, percocet. He proceeded to arrest me for DUI and have my car towed. I spent the night in jail and Dav had to bail me out. I went to court my arraignment a couple weeks later and pled not guilty. I was not intoxicated. It had been over five hours since I had taken the medication.
Now I am awaiting my trial on Monday, November 9. I have an attorney who has spoken with the prosecutor and per my attorney, he has agreed to drop the charges. But I am still nervous about what exactly will happen on Monday. What if something goes wrong? I could lose my license and have my insurance jacked up, and have a criminal record for the rest of my life, and I didn't do anything wrong.
I'm just wondering what else can go wrong before the end of the year. There are almost two months left, after all.
The year started out innocently enough.
In early February, I was on my lunch break, driving to the pharmacy and stopped at a red light. Some one rear ended me without even applying his brakes. He was going at least 55 miles per hour. I am thankful that I had my seat belt on, because I was OK. I only suffered muscle fatigue and whiplash. My car, the Sled verison 2.0, the best car I have ever owned, was not so lucky. She was totalled, just as I was getting rather near to paying it off. I had to jump through a lot of hoops, but I finally got everything settled with the insurance company, and purchased another car. And another note. Sigh. At the end of February, my beloved cat Rameses was hit by a car. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him. The best cat I've ever had. The best pet, period.
In May, just over three months after I purchased the new car, the transmission went out. It was no longer under warranty, so I had to have a new transmission financed for 1500.00
I'm not sure if it had anything to do with the accident, but my occasional back pain began to get worse and worse. It was getting debilitating. I had a spinal fusion in 1997 at the age of 14, and up until recently had had no other problems. I was finally referred to a fantastic orthopedist at the Mississippi Spine clinic. He put me on a few different medications, but I had no relief. Finally, an x ray revealed that the "knot" in my upper spine was actually a protruding crosslink from the spinal fusion, and I was advised that I could have it removed in a minor procedure. In June, I had the procedure and only spent one night in the hospital. I had a fairly easy recovery. It took about two weeks.
On July 3, Dav and I received an early morning call that changed our lives. Dav's grandfather, affectionally known as Pap, had died in his sleep during a brief hospital stay. He had been suffering from internal bleeding and things had been touch and go, but he was released from ICU and was expected to go home soon, but he didn't make it. The next few days were a blur. I found myself going through the grieving process, something I have never really done as an adult. I tried to console Dav and his family, but it was just so hard. He was Dav's tight knit family's patriarch. It was a very tough time in his family. I felt so much regret that I didn't visit him more while he was in the hospital. It was all just so sudden. It was heartbreaking to see the pain that Ging, Dav's grandmother, was going through. They had been married for 66 years.
On September 4, at around 12:30 AM, I was driving Dav's brother Brian home from our house. I was the designated driver. It was Labor Day weekend. At around 7:30 PM, I had taken a percocet for some back pain that I was still experiencing from the surgery. I was pulled over by a highway patrol officer who thought I was intoxicated. I had advised him that I hadn't had anything to drink, but he asked me if I was on any medication and I told him yes, percocet. He proceeded to arrest me for DUI and have my car towed. I spent the night in jail and Dav had to bail me out. I went to court my arraignment a couple weeks later and pled not guilty. I was not intoxicated. It had been over five hours since I had taken the medication.
Now I am awaiting my trial on Monday, November 9. I have an attorney who has spoken with the prosecutor and per my attorney, he has agreed to drop the charges. But I am still nervous about what exactly will happen on Monday. What if something goes wrong? I could lose my license and have my insurance jacked up, and have a criminal record for the rest of my life, and I didn't do anything wrong.
I'm just wondering what else can go wrong before the end of the year. There are almost two months left, after all.
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