improvements and modifications

Things are looking up. Though my back is still hurting me as I type, there's hope. My new internist at my mother in law's clinic prescribed me some tramadol for the pain (which does little more than make me nauseous) and also referred me to a pain management clinic. They have been giving me trigger point steroid injections. I've had two sessions. They sedate me with Versed (I don't fall completely asleep-I just don't care). I lie on my stomach on a table and they give me shots of steroids in my back. The first treatment made me feel like I'd been hit by a truck for about 24 hours. I'm not allowed to drive the day of the treatment, so I take the day off work and sleep. The next day, I feel brilliant and 100% pain free. The first one gave me relief for about a month. The second one only lasted about two weeks. They (surprise) xrayed my spine and found a bracket that my surgeon had missed. This may mean a third surgery for me. I'm rolling with the punches. They said that they may also try some sort of patches. Not sure yet.

I quit taking my antidepressants and I feel like a human being again. My shrink is no longer in network, so I can't see him anymore. I had to give up my Xanax and I went through mild withdrawals. I regret to say that, due largely to work stress and family drama, I've started smoking again. Only about two or three cigs a day though. I'll quit soon.

Good things have happened. Dav got a huge promotion at work. He is now a manager. We are making huge strides financially. He is about to have his truck paid off. Our apartment lease expires next May. I also turn 30 next year. I'd really love a house for my birthday :-) We've been looking at real estate and things are looking good. The only concern is the down payment. Something will happen. I want to own a place of our own, and one day have children. John Randal and Mary Margaret :-) Thoughts like this make me smile.

Well, I'm about to eat this Marie Calendar pasta medley and call it a night. Au revoir for now.

I'm not sure how much more I can handle.

The back pain has returned with a vengeance. I had such a horrid weekend, some of the worst pain since my last surgery. My orthopedist has pretty much said that there's nothing else he can do (short of more surgery, which wouldn't help at this point). No drugs help, and I am spiraling into a deep depression. Also, I am starting to feel my left arm go out again (the numb and tingly thing). I'm not sure what else to do.

I have an appointment with a new doctor at my mother in law's clinic next week. I'm not sure what they're going to do. Maybe recommend more physical therapy? I can't sleep. I'm so tired. The antidepressants that my shrink put me on have done little except give me the libido of a dead fish. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die, either. Between the work stress, the pain, and the constant go go go of the weekends, I never get any rest. I need to take a vacation, but my work won't let me. I don't know what to do, but I cannot continue on at this rate. My body is going to give out on me. It's already starting to do so.

I'm 28 and I cannot see dealing with this for another 50-60 years (if I'm lucky enough to live that long).

what's been going on....

Greetings, after a 2+ month hiatus....

So, my body has been treating me a little bit better lately. About six weeks ago, I had two wisdom teeth extracted and dealt with dry socket for four weeks. It was tantamount to me having a headache (ie, the back pain), and then dropping a hammer on my foot. The pain from the dental work was so intense.... it was the worst pain of my existance (including the two spine surgeries). No meds helped the pain. Not to mention, I had to work in a call centre and speak to customers all day when I could barely open my mouth. Not easy. If I had taken time off work, it would have meant no pay because I was out of vacation time.

Soooo... things are better now. Brian moved out of our place and I'm relishing the privacy. Things have been a little tight financially, but Dav got a better job with Mississippi Public Broadcasting and is still working part time at 16 WAPT. I'm just getting a little stressed, as I am getting closer and closer to 30, and we still haven't been able to buy a house yet. There's always a little something stopping us. We've agreed to buy a house before we have a baby. I feel like my time is running out. I don't want to be almost forty with a young child. Time is running out..... I need to take drastic actions NOW. We are working on getting debt free (no small feat) and Dav's parents have offered to assist us with the down payment on a home (we make too much money to qualify for zero down - scoff. Like we make that much).

Anyway, I suppose that is it for now. Dav and I just celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary. I feel so old... but I wouldn't have it any other way, other than him by my side :-)

I hate my body, and I'm not just talking about the near 30 pounds I've packed on as a result of the myriad of anti-depressants I've been on. I hate that it hurts every single day and no one knows why. I hate that I've seen a rheumatologist, an orthopedist, a shrink, a therapist... no one knows why it's happening, and no one has offered me any relief. None at all. Nothing works. Lorcet scarcely even works anymore, and OTC stuff sure as hell doesn't. My body is a sinking ship, and no one can save it. I want to hurt it even more. My body has betrayed me, and all I want is an MF'ing answer. Is that too much to ask?

Oh yeah... and the physical therapists wont take my insurance.

I'm now the office pariah...

So, about four months ago at work, we had a shift bid and I was assigned a new manager and a few new faces that I sat near (I work in a call center of a couple hundred). The gal that sat next to me (across the cube wall) and I struck up an instant "office friendship" (we never hung out outside of work but we were very friendly). She is a huge Twilight fan too. She and I were really cool. She kept joking around that Dav and I need to go ahead and have kids since we've been married so long.

Then.

I had a series of panic attacks at work. Two or three over the course of a few days. I have a myriad of mental health problems: obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety, depression, and rapid cycling bipolar disorder. Well, I've finally found a combination of meds that seem to work (two anti depressant/ssri's, two benzos- xanax and klonopin, and an antipsychotic for the bipolar - abilify). Anyway, ever since then... this gal has turned cold toward me. Half the time, she doesn't even answer me when I have a question. When she does, she usually gives short, facetious responses. Gone are the days of banter about cute celebrities and Twilight and True Blood. The people that sit around me have seemed less friendly lately, too. I even asked her one day why she never joked about me having children anymore and she basically said she thought I was too crazy for kids. At first, I thought she was kidding, but then she told me I needed to work some things about before I had kids (sorry I didn't get pregnant in high school).

Anyway... this really sucks. People are really cold and rude toward me for no reason. I want to say something about it. Anytime she says something facetious, I'll fire something just as snarky (joking) back at her, and she gets pissed. She can dish it out but can't take it. I can't stand the work environment I'm in. Every once in while, she is nice to me! I'm starting to wonder if SHE'S bipolar.

I could do the easy thing and cry racism (I am one of the few caucasians that work in my office), but I just really don't think that's it. Everyone is so rude to me, though. Another gal that sits near me is called by everyone I work with "Tricky." I called her that one day and she yelled at me, "You don't know me like that!!" Later that day, she asked me for a favor and I said, "Well, I don't know. Apparently I don't know you like that."

How can I deal with this in a Christlike way? I'm sick of being run over, but at the same time I don't want to be unnecessarily rude or a tattle tale. She isn't harrassing me; she is just being really cold and distant. This sucks.

XXXXXXXX

I think I'm really going to do it this time.

I popped a Klonopin today at work. It made me feel so tired. It didn't feel good any more. I'll be honest - I take one almost every day. They are prescribed, but sometimes I take them when I don't exactly *need* them. Same with my rx pain pills (though I only have one left). I had spine surgery and had a few stashed away. I also take ambien to sleep. I don't like being dependent on drugs. I don't like the way they make me feel... very tired.

I also drink about 2-3 beers almost every day. I'm really going to try to quit now. Quit it all. I'm taking the klon out of my purse and putting them in the medicine cabinet. I'm going straight edge.

I must be crazy. I don't think I've gone a day without taking SOMETHING (or having a drink) in months if not over a year. I am very scared. I know I am not going to be able to sleep tonight. Sigh. Maybe I should keep on with the ambien until my weekend, that way, if I can't sleep, I can rest the next day.

This is going to be hard as hell. What am I thinking? But I'm at least going to try.


Straight Edge!!!!!!!!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Surgery

My heart hurts. It skips beats and falters. Some days I think it will quit beating altogether. One day, I believe, the Great Physician will anesthetize me. It will more than likely make others in my life very sad to see me in this state, but it is only temporary. He will remove my cold heart from my chest and remove the dead, weak parts. He will restore it. He will remove Anger, Cynicism, Bitterness, Jealousy, Hatred, Mistrust...all of the portions that caused my heart to grow weaker, as if removing bruises from a banana. I will no longer be encumbered by it. He will put this new heart back in my chest and start it beating again. He will then awaken me from my slumber. It will be as if hundreds of pounds have been lifted from my chest, nothing holding me back now. I will see His face for the first time, with new eyes. I will also see the faces of my beloveds. It will be as if no time had passed at all. Everything I've experienced prior to this point will be like a dream. I will see everyone's faces as they truly are-glorious and in the image of the Physician. Today is the first day of the rest of eternity.

prom from hell

I was reading my friend Emmy's blog entry about her wedding disaster, and it reminded me of the awful prom experience I had, and guess what: she was involved in that, too (though it was NOT her fault). It's been almost ten years, but I thought I would write it out for all to enjoy.

In January 2001, my senior year, I began to date of of my brother Lindley's friends. His name was Steve, and he was in an "alt country" band with my brother. Needless to say, he was around the house a lot and we started to have feelings for one another (which caused Lindley to pick on both of us incessantly). Anyway, we started dating in January and honestly, it was a pretty bland relationship. We were never very serious. I thought he was cute, but it mostly just felt like a friendship (well, a friendship in which we occasionally kissed, and we hung out all the time). Anyway, Steve had already graduated, but he asked me if he could be my date to the senior prom. I had agreed. I wasn't really sure at that point if I was going, but now that I had a date, I thought, Why not? This was probably in January or February, and the prom was toward the end of April. Plenty of time to get ready, right?

I ordered my dress online and it arrived soon after and fit perfectly. It was a royal blue spaghetti strap dress with a sheer black layer, causing it to appear to be dark blue. It had a corset lace up the back and an a-line skirt (very pretty). Anyway, my friend Emily and I decided to double date. She'd gotten a date with a mutual friend, an underclassman. We spent the day getting ready together at my parents' house. We had a lunch of tacos, and spent hours beautifying ourselves. My mom curled my hair and pulled it partially back with pretty rhinestone hair pins. I hadn't heard from Steve that day, so I started to get nervous. I had called him a few times, but he didn't answer (he didn't have a cell phone - only a land line). Anyway, he was supposed to pick up Emily's date and we were all riding together. Finally, he shows up (late) and we start to take photos at my parents' house. I handed him a pretty coral rose boutinierre (sp?) that I had gotten him. He didn't have anything for me. I asked him why he didn't get me a corsage, and he said something lame like he didn't have time to pick one up for me. Apparently, three months is not enough time! This made me very upset, as this was one of the things I was really looking forward to. I'd never gotten a corsage before.

Anyway, we went off for the restaraurant. We went to Steam Room, a steak/seafood place. I ordered something and he didn't even offer to pay- we split it! (I had already paid for the prom tickets). Things couldn't get much worse, now could they? Wrong.

We finally got to the prom, and Steve sat his ass down in a chair all night, while I mingled with friends, every one of them asking if I had a date or not (I didn't have a corsage, or, you know, a PERSON with me!) He didn't dance a single dance with me all night. I begged him to. He didn't even take prom photos with me. He did the "senior walk through" with me, and I had to beg him to even do that much. He said he didn't feel well.

Finally, he said he felt bad enough to go home. He asked if I was coming with him. I agreed to go with him, because I didn't have another ride home. My friend Emily and her date found a ride home with someone else. I was home and in bed by 11 PM and I cried myself to sleep.

Needless to say, soon after, Steve and I broke up. Lindley got really upset with him for treating me this way, and the band broke up, too. Hahaha. I was the Yoko Ono of that band.

Years down the road, my husband has always known that I've wanted a corsage. He got me one for Valentine's Day 2006, I believe it was. It was absolutely perfect. It had dark red roses, purple and black ribbons, and little sticks with rhinestones on them. It was so beautiful that it made me cry. I wore it on my wrist all day at work. I didn't care how silly I looked. I still have it. I wish I had known David my senior year of high school - we would have had so much fun together at prom. I wouldn't meet him for another 8 or 9 months, though.

Long story short: prom sucks. It will never live up to your expectations. I don't care if I have a daughter and she wants to go. That's fine. I'm just going to let her know up front.

Heat waves and nostalgia

So the high today is going to be 103, with a heat index of 110. It's going to be right at 100 or higher every day this week. I loathe summer. Oh, how I long for autumn, with the crisp evenings and lack of humidity, colorful leaves drifting to the ground... It's August, and in Mississippi, that means we have at least two and a half more months of this crap. It may cool off a little bit, but back in 2008, we didn't get our first cool snap until thanksgiving. I hope that doesn't happen again this year.....
Our A/C is blasting at full capacity. I went to bed and it was still warm in the bedroom. Sometime during the night, it cooled to a nice temperature, because I remember that the nature of my dreams changed. I dreamt that I was going to somewhere with a cooler climate, and I could feel the change in temperature, which more than likely coincided with the A/C finally starting to cool things down. Then, just before I woke, I dreamed that I was going to India, of all places. So much for the cooler climate....
I stumbled upon an old blog of mine today. http://ashmcperk.livejournal.com/
Ah, the good old days of being impoverished and in nursing school, working two jobs and living off three hours of sleep, being 2 months behind on rent, living on caffeine and nicotine, and having chronic bronchitis as a result...I do miss some of the friendships, though. And is it just me, or do I never go out anymore? I miss going to shows and seeing bands perform. I'm becoming and old fogey and I'm not even 30. Somewhere in the journal, a posting from 2008, I believe, I said that in a couple of years I hoped we'd own a house and to be working on a baby McPerk. *snorts* Life never turns out the way you hope, does it? That's not to say I'm unhappy -I'm not. I'm very happy. I have a better job, and though we struggle, at least we are able to pay all of our bills. Things are a hell of a lot better than they used to be.
I miss my Gilda and Rameses though. I miss hanging out with Rachel. I miss driving around south Jackson with her, not really going anywhere, smoking and listening to music. I miss some things, but others I do not.

warhellride

I'm a fan of the musician Wesley Willis. He died in 2003 from cancer. He created unique, sometimes vulgar, music, to drive away the "demons" in his head. He had chronic schizophrenia. When he would go through a psychotic episode with the demons, he would call it a "warhellride." He also wrote a few touching songs about Jesus. I hope that he got to meet Him face to face.

I'm not schizophrenic, but I have had my own struggles with mental illness. It all started around the age of 15 or 16. I had a family history of anxiety attacks and depression. My older brother, Lindley, had frequent panic attacks and obsessive compulsive disorder. My mom had them too. I was no exception.

The first time I'd ever really read about OCD was in Teen Magazine. I'd heard of it and had a vague idea of what it was. I guess I was about 13 or 14 when I read this article, so this was around 1996. From what I understood, OCD sufferers usually had pretty obvious outward manifestations of it- compulsive handwashing, counting, checking, cleaning, etc. I had none of these. My OCD started small- I would get a funny feeling about a certain chair (a recliner) in the living room at my parents' house. I couldn't sit there - it was contaminated in some way. I couldn't take baths, only showers. I couldn't allow my body to sit in the same place as someone else's naked body (I still have a hard time doing this). Later, as I began to explore faith and re-discover the Christianity of my youth, these became religious obsessions.

At first, I didn't realize that what I had was OCD. I'd never heard of this type before. I had been studying the Bible verse in which Jesus discusses the "unforgiveable sin," which is mentioned in the synoptic gospels. I was certain I had commited this sin. I suddenly found images pushing their way into my head. It's hard for me to say out loud (or type) what these images were - that would make them seem more real to me- but let's just say they were very awful. Violent encounters between me and God/Jesus. Me cursing Him out, etc. You get the picture. These images and thoughts would play through my head over and over, as if I was watching a movie and someone kept skipping back to this scene and watching it over and over and over again...I would try to think other thoughts to push these obviously blasphemous thoughts from my mind, but to no avail. They were in my head all day, every day. There was no escape from my mind.

To atone for my sinful thoughts, I would often lock myself in my bedroom for hours, praying and reading the Bible. Every time the thought came into my head, I would beg God for forgiveness. Sometimes I would leave my room to watch TV, and then I would feel guilty that I wasn't praying/reading the Bible, and so I'd go back to my room.
The thoughts continued. They got worse, more graphic. I knew that my salvation was lost, that I was unforgiven, but I just had to let God know I was sorry, I didn't mean to have these thoughts. They were like a virus in my mind, one I couldn't seem to get rid of. I thought I was going crazy.

The thoughts became dreams. I'd lie in bed, late at night, thinking about hell, which is where I was certain I was going. I thought about how awful it would be. I wasn't sure if it would be "fire and brimstone," or just an awful place of lonliness and darkness. I'd dream about a fiery hell. At night sometimes, I wondered. If I was going to hell anyway, what was life here on Earth, but a delaying of the inevitable? I wondered if I should continue living, or if I should just bite the proverbial bullet and go ahead and get this eternity thing started (as if eternity would ever have an end). My life had become hell. I never was seriously suicidal. I never attempted suicide, but the thoughts did cross my mind.

One day, I was at school and I broke into tears in the middle of class. I think this was my junior year. My teacher sent me to the guidance counselor's office. The guidance counselor let me sit in her office and tell her what had been going on. Luckily, she was a PhD. When I explained it all to her, she said, "Oh, that just sounds like OCD."

What? I wasn't scrubbing my hands raw, flipping a light switch off and on, or anything like that. I didn't know that this was a form of OCD. It was called scrupulosity, and it's more common with Catholics, apparently, and I was raised Protestant. My counselor set me up with an appointment with a psychiatrist at her clinic and this was a great help to me. The thing that helped most of all was knowing I wasn't going crazy, others had suffered from this too. I wasn't alone. I think that was the worst feeling - feeling completely and utterly alone. That was hell to me.

So much has changed in the last twelve years or so. I still struggle with OCD, but it has gotten so much better. There are still little obsessions, but I've learned to live with them. The most important thing is that my faith has gotten stronger. God heard my cries in the dark. He never left my side. He loves me and I'm not scared about hell anymore. He was the One that was by my side the whole time. If not for Jesus, and the people He put in my life to save me, I think I may be dead by now.

A book that I discovered that was immensely helpful was The Doubting Disease: Help for Scrupulosity and Religious Compulsions by Joseph Ciarrocchi. I highly recommend it.

I guess I wrote this post to let others that may struggle with this know, It's OK. You're not alone. It's a disease. There is help. You never have to go it alone.

Warning: self righteous tirade ahead.....

As a Christian- well, as a human being- there is one thing that drives me crazy: so called "prosperity preaching." It takes on many forms- the televangelist asking you to call in and give a donation, the church down the street (I've actually heard of churches auditing your income to make sure you are really giving them ten percent), the chain emails sent to you stating that God has a blessing in the form of money coming to you if you forward the email, even going so far as to say that if you don't forward the email, you are ashamed of God.

I, for one, do not think that when I die, God is going to say, "Well, Ashley, you didn't forward that email, so....." I think He will ask me about my actions, why I didn't love my brothers and sisters, why I had such a temper problem, why I wasted so many opportunities.

Anyway, not to rip off the author Donald Miller here, but a lot of people want to treat God like a divine slot machine: do your good works, go to church, say your prayers, tithe (especially tithe), and boom: God is going to bless you with this material wealth, or a spouse, or children, or a new job. The list goes on and on. It's like, we don't really care about God or a relationship with Him. We only care about what He can give us. What we put in and what He can give us in return. As if God needs our money!!! The Creator of the universe is concerned with ten percent of my measly salary!!! He can't go on without it!!!

Now, I am NOT saying that you shouldn't give money or tithe. It says so in the Bible. What I AM saying is, maybe that homeless person down the street needs that money (or food) a little more than your church building fund, so your church can add a bowling alley for the youth. Maybe that single mom needs the money a little more than the rich televangelist. Maybe we shouldn't worry so much about forwarding stupid, superstitious emails. Maybe we can also tithe with our time. I don't think God expects us to sit down like accountants and figure this all out.
It just makes me sick to see people profiting off of others being gullible. Screw the giant shiny church building. Give that money to people that need it. Read the story of the rich man and Lazarus (Luke 16:19-31). The thing that pisses me off the most, is that people see this and think, that's what CHRISTIANITY is all about! It's about stealing people's money, bashing gays, supporting war and the death penalty, and people that agree with our narrow minded opinions. Blurring the lines between Church and State is killing us as believers. People want to equate Christianity and patriotism to our country as almost the same thing. Disgusting! What if it were another religion in the majority, and we were pressured all the time to follow it, posting relics of it in public places, praying its prayers in large groups. "Allah bless America." Now, I am not knocking other religions, but you know how quickly Christians would get upset over that. I don't blame people of other religions (or atheists) getting upset over what is going on now. I would too!!!! This country was founded on FREEDOM! Jesus said, "My kingdom is not of this world." It's not! I'm glad it's not too... this world sucks! I'm tired of people twisting my faith into something disgusting. I'm tired of people turning away from me when I tell them I'm a Christian. News flash... I do NOT worship Christianity or any church. I worship Jesus Christ. And if you don't? That's fine. I'll still be your friend. I won't thump you into submission with my Bible. Sometimes, I find that I get along with people that DON'T believe what I do, more that people that do.

I realize that i sound pretty self righteous. when is the last time I gave to a homeless person, or someone in need? Really, that's between me and God. (I'll confess- I haven't in a while). It's something I want to work on, but I'm not going to write it in the sky when I do. These people have received their reward. Do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. Go to a quiet place, and pray to God, who is unseen. Don't pray on the street corners like hypocrites. These people, too, have received their reward.

Darn. There goes the National Day of Prayer and See You at the Pole.

I feel like my writing is not nearly as good as is was when I first started writing the fan fiction. It's just gotten boring. It is difficult for even me to read. I'm not sure if I will continue on with it. I really have some great ideas for Nessie down the road, but I'm not so great at the transition. I just want to jump right back into the action! I mean, I am really going to be ramping up the drama. I just need to get there. I don't like getting lost in the mundane details.....

Update

Hey gang,

It's been a while since I've posted here. Things have been mainly OK. My health has been a lot better. I have been more even tempered and peaceful feeling than I have been in a long time. It feels good to be off of the lamictal.

Lately, I've been devoting my time to writing fan fiction for Twilight (check it out at nessiefanfic.blogspot.com). I've been writing from the perspective of Renesmee, Edward and Bella's daughter. I've been writing about one entry a day. It's a lot of fun and a nice escape from the day to day.

What I'd really like to do is create my own world, write my own story. I've been writing little short stories since I was about seven or eight years old and it's been my life's ambition to have something published. I don't even care about making any money. I just want something tangible, something to show the world and say, This is what I created. My dad and brother are fantastic with painting and sketching. Lindley is also musically inclined. I've always felt that writing is my only creative outlet in which I excel.

I created a fan page on Facebook for my fiction, and so far I only have six members (two are me, haha), so I only have really three fans. Well, my mom and a coworker both said it was really good (but what else would you expect a mom to say?) I guess I'm just seeking validation that I actually have a talent.

I'm praying that I get inspiration to start writing original material.

Sometimes I really hate myself and wonder if I have any redeeming qualities whatsoever. I am a selfish, lazy, hateful, vindictive person. Sometimes I wonder I about my salvation. How can someone that has Christ's love within them, behave as I do? What do I really do to contribute to society or help anyone at all, other than myself?

I frighten myself sometimes. I don't get why people love me.

Sinking.....

“Let go and let God.”

Sometimes, that’s all we can do. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, it’s a colossal failure. Some things are out of our hands completely. Some things are seemingly within our grasp. We cry out to God for help, but ultimately it is up to the other person to affect that change. We’ve done all we can.

Does this mean God doesn’t hear our prayers, our suffering? Does He not see that black cloud that threatens to smother us, rob us of just the little bit of joy we have left in this life?

I don’t have the answer to these questions. I doubt I ever will. I suppose, in retrospect, I will look back and see them. It may not be in this life. It may be in the next. I’m just passing through, trying to survive without going completely insane. I’ve been through this before. It’s been a while, but I know I will come out and see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I just don’t know what it is causing me to feel this way. Perhaps it is a culmination of things. When someone dies and you are grieving, it is easy to pinpoint what brings on the tears. It is the separation, temporary as it may be. At least then you can put a name on what it is you’re going through. What I’m going through now… it’s such a grey area, and I don’t like not feeling in control. There are a number of things that I’m sad about. Pick one. I just keep trying to count my blessings: my wonderfully devoted husband, my little family with him and our cats, my stable job, my family that loves me….but I mourn for people and things that my children will never know: the joy of jumping into clean water on the coast, seeing the fish nip at their feet, the love of their great grandfather, Pap, the state of the country as it is now… I know it seems funny to mourn for things that children that don’t even exist yet, will miss. I think I’m also in mourning over the fact that I’m not sure if we’ll ever have kids. I don’t think we’ll ever be financially stable enough, or that I will be emotionally stable enough. It just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for us, at least not at this time.

Try as I may, I can’t help but see a long tunnel of darkness spread out in front of me, with no end in sight.

Ocean Springs

Something interesting happened on Thursday night at the Bible study. I had written a list of things that we should pray for, and of course I included the Gulf coast and the oil spill on the list. Also, lately, I've felt like God was telling me that I should work with teenagers in some form.



Anyway, I found out on Thursday that oil is starting to wash up on my beloved Ship Island. They found a dead sea turtle and some oil there. I'd already been having a rough day, and I locked myself in the bathroom at work and cried for about ten minutes. My special place. Being destroyed.



During the Bible study, I felt like God was whispering to me, something about moving to the coast. I've wanted to for some time. This oil spill thing makes me want to go even more. For some reason, the more awful things that happen down there (Katrina, oil spill, etc), the more I feel DRAWN there. Weird, I know.

I prayed that if it was God's will for us to move there, He'd show me. I logged onto AT&T's site and found that they are indeed hiring at the Ocean Springs center again. There are many problems with this plan, though: 1. Dav would have to find a job. There's a TV station in Biloxi but I'm not sure if they're hiring, 2. We are in a lease on our apartment through next May.

So maybe, I'm not meant to move there any time soon, but mark my words. I will be living on the coast before too long. I just can't shake the feeling. I need a change.

I don't want to be away from my family and friends, but it's really only 2 1/2 hours away, not that far at all.

We'll see.

Sleep

"When i get home the band will have its first hit song
You and i will buy some rings and a suburban home
I'll bring home the bacon bits
We'll make our parents grandparents
I'll take you out the breakfast at night
And then we’ll go to sleep." - Lagwagon

At Warped Tour one time about six or seven years ago, Dav serenaded me with this line while Lagwagon played. We were still crazy newlyweds. It still makes me smile.

I've had a lot of health issues throughout my life, especially lately. As such, I've decided to create a "spin off" blog entitled My Life as a Hypochondriac (lifeasahypchondriac.blogspot.com). I've decided to keep the tone of this blog a little more upbeat, or at least, to quit complaining about my health issues all the time on this particular blog. If anyone is interested in my ongoing woes, jump on over to that page.

Thanks.

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner review/aka Stephenie Meyer has redeemed herself

WARNING- CONTAINS SPOILERS*****


Yesterday, I picked up a copy of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Saga novella, The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. At first, I thought this was just a money grab for SM, trying to capitalize even more off the popularity of the franchise, but then I saw that she was going to post it online in its entirety for free, and also donate a portion of the proceeds from the book purchase to the Red Cross. That, combined with the fact that I am a Twilight nerd, prompted me to go to Borders at midnight on Friday night/Saturday morning to pick up a copy as soon as it became available.

Even though I'm addicted to the series, I have several complaints about it. With the series as a whole, I really felt like Bella's character did not develop very well. Her character felt a little flat to me. It's like, I get it, she's a clumsy, awkward teenager. I get it. She finds Edward attractive, but does she have to mention how gorgeous he is, every single time she sees him? Furthermore, she is willing to give up everything and everyone she has in her life, and possibly her soul, to marry and have hot vampire sex with a guy she has only known a few months. She is needy and clingy and the exact opposite of a role model. Edward is not much better. He is jealous and possesive and quite immature to be over 100 years old.

Carlisle, Esme, and the rest of the Cullens (with perhaps the exception of Rosalie) seem much more human than Bella ever did. I love their family, and I like the Quileutes too.

The conclusion of the Twilight Saga left much to be desired. In the end, needy, clingy Bella gets everything she wants: her hot vampire husband, immortality, her perfect family, a house, a fancy car and clothes, AND a child!!! Which vampires aren't even supposed to have. Breaking Dawn builds up to a climax and then falls flat. Bella has learned nothing from everything that has happened, except perhaps that it is possible for her to love someone as much or more than Edward (Renesmee). She ends up as a vain version of her former self.


And then there's Bree.

Not much is known about Bree Tanner, as the book begins after she has already been a newborn vampire for about three months. She was a runaway, about fifteen years old, and living on the streets of Seattle. She ran away from home to escape an abusive father and was lured by vampire Riley, who offered her a cheeseburger. She had been dumpster diving for a while and fell for it. She was turned into a vampire, along with about twenty other young people, locked in a house during the day, and left to run free through the streets of Seattle and murder innocents in fits of bloodlust.

She befriends Diego, a fellow newborn (he's been a vampire for about a year). They develop a friendship that develops to a crush level. Together, they find out that their leader, Riley, has been lying to them in order to control them all and build an army for sinister purposes. They try to devise a plan to escape after they find out that it's OK for them to be outside in the daytime. Diego still trusts Riley and wants to confront him. Bree doesn't hear from him in a while and Riley leads her to believe that he is off, doing recon work or something like that. She is naive and trusting, knowing very little about vampire life, as she has been kept in the dark, both figuratively and literally.

Eventually, Bree finds out that Diego, her only true friend since she was turned, was murdered by Riley for knowing too much about their true nature. Bree ends up in the war against the Cullens. She had been misled into thinking the Cullens were evil as well, and that it was basically a turf war for the blood of the people of Seattle (more lies from Riley). The rest of the newborn army is murdered, including Riley and Victoria, and Bree is taken hostage. The Cullens have offered to take in Bree as part of their family. By this point, Bree knows that Diego was murdered and that she was tricked into fighting against the Cullens and Bella, who are innocents. She has nothing left. She wants to die. Even though the Cullens offer to take her in, the Volturi decide she must be killed. In the end she does die. Prior to her death, however, she tells Edward (via his telepathy) that the Volturi have been plotting against his family and were behind the attack. By doing this, she redeems herself.

I knew from the beginning the outcome of the story. What I didn't expect was that SM would create a character that I would become so interested in, in 200 pages, that had more depth than other characters in which she has written over 2000 pages about. This book has gore and violence, what you expect from vampire books, but that's not the only reason I liked it so much. Even though so few details were provided, I felt like I knew Bree. She was a very unlikely hero. It didn't have the "happy ending," but I liked that too, because that's not how life works.

Superficial nature wearing thin.
I can`t seem to begin.
What really do I see when I stare back at me?
As crushing time reveals my foe,
Inheriting all woe.
Solutions in the past,
Conditioned not to ask.
It`s what you`re meant to be,
Your name and number.
Be all that you should be.
You will recover things you haven`t lost,
Because they don`t see you like you think they do.
PLEASE JUST BECOME YOU.
"Release your fear" is what he said.
This all came to a head.
Feel cheated out of you,
Tradition follows through.
Though I can`t see how this will end,
I know that you will always pull me through.
My soul went searching for a cause
But came back empty-handed.
The emptiness you see...Building a better me