what's been going on....

Greetings, after a 2+ month hiatus....

So, my body has been treating me a little bit better lately. About six weeks ago, I had two wisdom teeth extracted and dealt with dry socket for four weeks. It was tantamount to me having a headache (ie, the back pain), and then dropping a hammer on my foot. The pain from the dental work was so intense.... it was the worst pain of my existance (including the two spine surgeries). No meds helped the pain. Not to mention, I had to work in a call centre and speak to customers all day when I could barely open my mouth. Not easy. If I had taken time off work, it would have meant no pay because I was out of vacation time.

Soooo... things are better now. Brian moved out of our place and I'm relishing the privacy. Things have been a little tight financially, but Dav got a better job with Mississippi Public Broadcasting and is still working part time at 16 WAPT. I'm just getting a little stressed, as I am getting closer and closer to 30, and we still haven't been able to buy a house yet. There's always a little something stopping us. We've agreed to buy a house before we have a baby. I feel like my time is running out. I don't want to be almost forty with a young child. Time is running out..... I need to take drastic actions NOW. We are working on getting debt free (no small feat) and Dav's parents have offered to assist us with the down payment on a home (we make too much money to qualify for zero down - scoff. Like we make that much).

Anyway, I suppose that is it for now. Dav and I just celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary. I feel so old... but I wouldn't have it any other way, other than him by my side :-)

I hate my body, and I'm not just talking about the near 30 pounds I've packed on as a result of the myriad of anti-depressants I've been on. I hate that it hurts every single day and no one knows why. I hate that I've seen a rheumatologist, an orthopedist, a shrink, a therapist... no one knows why it's happening, and no one has offered me any relief. None at all. Nothing works. Lorcet scarcely even works anymore, and OTC stuff sure as hell doesn't. My body is a sinking ship, and no one can save it. I want to hurt it even more. My body has betrayed me, and all I want is an MF'ing answer. Is that too much to ask?

Oh yeah... and the physical therapists wont take my insurance.

I'm now the office pariah...

So, about four months ago at work, we had a shift bid and I was assigned a new manager and a few new faces that I sat near (I work in a call center of a couple hundred). The gal that sat next to me (across the cube wall) and I struck up an instant "office friendship" (we never hung out outside of work but we were very friendly). She is a huge Twilight fan too. She and I were really cool. She kept joking around that Dav and I need to go ahead and have kids since we've been married so long.

Then.

I had a series of panic attacks at work. Two or three over the course of a few days. I have a myriad of mental health problems: obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety, depression, and rapid cycling bipolar disorder. Well, I've finally found a combination of meds that seem to work (two anti depressant/ssri's, two benzos- xanax and klonopin, and an antipsychotic for the bipolar - abilify). Anyway, ever since then... this gal has turned cold toward me. Half the time, she doesn't even answer me when I have a question. When she does, she usually gives short, facetious responses. Gone are the days of banter about cute celebrities and Twilight and True Blood. The people that sit around me have seemed less friendly lately, too. I even asked her one day why she never joked about me having children anymore and she basically said she thought I was too crazy for kids. At first, I thought she was kidding, but then she told me I needed to work some things about before I had kids (sorry I didn't get pregnant in high school).

Anyway... this really sucks. People are really cold and rude toward me for no reason. I want to say something about it. Anytime she says something facetious, I'll fire something just as snarky (joking) back at her, and she gets pissed. She can dish it out but can't take it. I can't stand the work environment I'm in. Every once in while, she is nice to me! I'm starting to wonder if SHE'S bipolar.

I could do the easy thing and cry racism (I am one of the few caucasians that work in my office), but I just really don't think that's it. Everyone is so rude to me, though. Another gal that sits near me is called by everyone I work with "Tricky." I called her that one day and she yelled at me, "You don't know me like that!!" Later that day, she asked me for a favor and I said, "Well, I don't know. Apparently I don't know you like that."

How can I deal with this in a Christlike way? I'm sick of being run over, but at the same time I don't want to be unnecessarily rude or a tattle tale. She isn't harrassing me; she is just being really cold and distant. This sucks.

XXXXXXXX

I think I'm really going to do it this time.

I popped a Klonopin today at work. It made me feel so tired. It didn't feel good any more. I'll be honest - I take one almost every day. They are prescribed, but sometimes I take them when I don't exactly *need* them. Same with my rx pain pills (though I only have one left). I had spine surgery and had a few stashed away. I also take ambien to sleep. I don't like being dependent on drugs. I don't like the way they make me feel... very tired.

I also drink about 2-3 beers almost every day. I'm really going to try to quit now. Quit it all. I'm taking the klon out of my purse and putting them in the medicine cabinet. I'm going straight edge.

I must be crazy. I don't think I've gone a day without taking SOMETHING (or having a drink) in months if not over a year. I am very scared. I know I am not going to be able to sleep tonight. Sigh. Maybe I should keep on with the ambien until my weekend, that way, if I can't sleep, I can rest the next day.

This is going to be hard as hell. What am I thinking? But I'm at least going to try.


Straight Edge!!!!!!!!
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Surgery

My heart hurts. It skips beats and falters. Some days I think it will quit beating altogether. One day, I believe, the Great Physician will anesthetize me. It will more than likely make others in my life very sad to see me in this state, but it is only temporary. He will remove my cold heart from my chest and remove the dead, weak parts. He will restore it. He will remove Anger, Cynicism, Bitterness, Jealousy, Hatred, Mistrust...all of the portions that caused my heart to grow weaker, as if removing bruises from a banana. I will no longer be encumbered by it. He will put this new heart back in my chest and start it beating again. He will then awaken me from my slumber. It will be as if hundreds of pounds have been lifted from my chest, nothing holding me back now. I will see His face for the first time, with new eyes. I will also see the faces of my beloveds. It will be as if no time had passed at all. Everything I've experienced prior to this point will be like a dream. I will see everyone's faces as they truly are-glorious and in the image of the Physician. Today is the first day of the rest of eternity.

prom from hell

I was reading my friend Emmy's blog entry about her wedding disaster, and it reminded me of the awful prom experience I had, and guess what: she was involved in that, too (though it was NOT her fault). It's been almost ten years, but I thought I would write it out for all to enjoy.

In January 2001, my senior year, I began to date of of my brother Lindley's friends. His name was Steve, and he was in an "alt country" band with my brother. Needless to say, he was around the house a lot and we started to have feelings for one another (which caused Lindley to pick on both of us incessantly). Anyway, we started dating in January and honestly, it was a pretty bland relationship. We were never very serious. I thought he was cute, but it mostly just felt like a friendship (well, a friendship in which we occasionally kissed, and we hung out all the time). Anyway, Steve had already graduated, but he asked me if he could be my date to the senior prom. I had agreed. I wasn't really sure at that point if I was going, but now that I had a date, I thought, Why not? This was probably in January or February, and the prom was toward the end of April. Plenty of time to get ready, right?

I ordered my dress online and it arrived soon after and fit perfectly. It was a royal blue spaghetti strap dress with a sheer black layer, causing it to appear to be dark blue. It had a corset lace up the back and an a-line skirt (very pretty). Anyway, my friend Emily and I decided to double date. She'd gotten a date with a mutual friend, an underclassman. We spent the day getting ready together at my parents' house. We had a lunch of tacos, and spent hours beautifying ourselves. My mom curled my hair and pulled it partially back with pretty rhinestone hair pins. I hadn't heard from Steve that day, so I started to get nervous. I had called him a few times, but he didn't answer (he didn't have a cell phone - only a land line). Anyway, he was supposed to pick up Emily's date and we were all riding together. Finally, he shows up (late) and we start to take photos at my parents' house. I handed him a pretty coral rose boutinierre (sp?) that I had gotten him. He didn't have anything for me. I asked him why he didn't get me a corsage, and he said something lame like he didn't have time to pick one up for me. Apparently, three months is not enough time! This made me very upset, as this was one of the things I was really looking forward to. I'd never gotten a corsage before.

Anyway, we went off for the restaraurant. We went to Steam Room, a steak/seafood place. I ordered something and he didn't even offer to pay- we split it! (I had already paid for the prom tickets). Things couldn't get much worse, now could they? Wrong.

We finally got to the prom, and Steve sat his ass down in a chair all night, while I mingled with friends, every one of them asking if I had a date or not (I didn't have a corsage, or, you know, a PERSON with me!) He didn't dance a single dance with me all night. I begged him to. He didn't even take prom photos with me. He did the "senior walk through" with me, and I had to beg him to even do that much. He said he didn't feel well.

Finally, he said he felt bad enough to go home. He asked if I was coming with him. I agreed to go with him, because I didn't have another ride home. My friend Emily and her date found a ride home with someone else. I was home and in bed by 11 PM and I cried myself to sleep.

Needless to say, soon after, Steve and I broke up. Lindley got really upset with him for treating me this way, and the band broke up, too. Hahaha. I was the Yoko Ono of that band.

Years down the road, my husband has always known that I've wanted a corsage. He got me one for Valentine's Day 2006, I believe it was. It was absolutely perfect. It had dark red roses, purple and black ribbons, and little sticks with rhinestones on them. It was so beautiful that it made me cry. I wore it on my wrist all day at work. I didn't care how silly I looked. I still have it. I wish I had known David my senior year of high school - we would have had so much fun together at prom. I wouldn't meet him for another 8 or 9 months, though.

Long story short: prom sucks. It will never live up to your expectations. I don't care if I have a daughter and she wants to go. That's fine. I'm just going to let her know up front.

Heat waves and nostalgia

So the high today is going to be 103, with a heat index of 110. It's going to be right at 100 or higher every day this week. I loathe summer. Oh, how I long for autumn, with the crisp evenings and lack of humidity, colorful leaves drifting to the ground... It's August, and in Mississippi, that means we have at least two and a half more months of this crap. It may cool off a little bit, but back in 2008, we didn't get our first cool snap until thanksgiving. I hope that doesn't happen again this year.....
Our A/C is blasting at full capacity. I went to bed and it was still warm in the bedroom. Sometime during the night, it cooled to a nice temperature, because I remember that the nature of my dreams changed. I dreamt that I was going to somewhere with a cooler climate, and I could feel the change in temperature, which more than likely coincided with the A/C finally starting to cool things down. Then, just before I woke, I dreamed that I was going to India, of all places. So much for the cooler climate....
I stumbled upon an old blog of mine today. http://ashmcperk.livejournal.com/
Ah, the good old days of being impoverished and in nursing school, working two jobs and living off three hours of sleep, being 2 months behind on rent, living on caffeine and nicotine, and having chronic bronchitis as a result...I do miss some of the friendships, though. And is it just me, or do I never go out anymore? I miss going to shows and seeing bands perform. I'm becoming and old fogey and I'm not even 30. Somewhere in the journal, a posting from 2008, I believe, I said that in a couple of years I hoped we'd own a house and to be working on a baby McPerk. *snorts* Life never turns out the way you hope, does it? That's not to say I'm unhappy -I'm not. I'm very happy. I have a better job, and though we struggle, at least we are able to pay all of our bills. Things are a hell of a lot better than they used to be.
I miss my Gilda and Rameses though. I miss hanging out with Rachel. I miss driving around south Jackson with her, not really going anywhere, smoking and listening to music. I miss some things, but others I do not.