Sinking.....

“Let go and let God.”

Sometimes, that’s all we can do. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, it’s a colossal failure. Some things are out of our hands completely. Some things are seemingly within our grasp. We cry out to God for help, but ultimately it is up to the other person to affect that change. We’ve done all we can.

Does this mean God doesn’t hear our prayers, our suffering? Does He not see that black cloud that threatens to smother us, rob us of just the little bit of joy we have left in this life?

I don’t have the answer to these questions. I doubt I ever will. I suppose, in retrospect, I will look back and see them. It may not be in this life. It may be in the next. I’m just passing through, trying to survive without going completely insane. I’ve been through this before. It’s been a while, but I know I will come out and see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I just don’t know what it is causing me to feel this way. Perhaps it is a culmination of things. When someone dies and you are grieving, it is easy to pinpoint what brings on the tears. It is the separation, temporary as it may be. At least then you can put a name on what it is you’re going through. What I’m going through now… it’s such a grey area, and I don’t like not feeling in control. There are a number of things that I’m sad about. Pick one. I just keep trying to count my blessings: my wonderfully devoted husband, my little family with him and our cats, my stable job, my family that loves me….but I mourn for people and things that my children will never know: the joy of jumping into clean water on the coast, seeing the fish nip at their feet, the love of their great grandfather, Pap, the state of the country as it is now… I know it seems funny to mourn for things that children that don’t even exist yet, will miss. I think I’m also in mourning over the fact that I’m not sure if we’ll ever have kids. I don’t think we’ll ever be financially stable enough, or that I will be emotionally stable enough. It just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for us, at least not at this time.

Try as I may, I can’t help but see a long tunnel of darkness spread out in front of me, with no end in sight.