Sinking.....

“Let go and let God.”

Sometimes, that’s all we can do. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, it’s a colossal failure. Some things are out of our hands completely. Some things are seemingly within our grasp. We cry out to God for help, but ultimately it is up to the other person to affect that change. We’ve done all we can.

Does this mean God doesn’t hear our prayers, our suffering? Does He not see that black cloud that threatens to smother us, rob us of just the little bit of joy we have left in this life?

I don’t have the answer to these questions. I doubt I ever will. I suppose, in retrospect, I will look back and see them. It may not be in this life. It may be in the next. I’m just passing through, trying to survive without going completely insane. I’ve been through this before. It’s been a while, but I know I will come out and see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I just don’t know what it is causing me to feel this way. Perhaps it is a culmination of things. When someone dies and you are grieving, it is easy to pinpoint what brings on the tears. It is the separation, temporary as it may be. At least then you can put a name on what it is you’re going through. What I’m going through now… it’s such a grey area, and I don’t like not feeling in control. There are a number of things that I’m sad about. Pick one. I just keep trying to count my blessings: my wonderfully devoted husband, my little family with him and our cats, my stable job, my family that loves me….but I mourn for people and things that my children will never know: the joy of jumping into clean water on the coast, seeing the fish nip at their feet, the love of their great grandfather, Pap, the state of the country as it is now… I know it seems funny to mourn for things that children that don’t even exist yet, will miss. I think I’m also in mourning over the fact that I’m not sure if we’ll ever have kids. I don’t think we’ll ever be financially stable enough, or that I will be emotionally stable enough. It just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for us, at least not at this time.

Try as I may, I can’t help but see a long tunnel of darkness spread out in front of me, with no end in sight.

Ocean Springs

Something interesting happened on Thursday night at the Bible study. I had written a list of things that we should pray for, and of course I included the Gulf coast and the oil spill on the list. Also, lately, I've felt like God was telling me that I should work with teenagers in some form.



Anyway, I found out on Thursday that oil is starting to wash up on my beloved Ship Island. They found a dead sea turtle and some oil there. I'd already been having a rough day, and I locked myself in the bathroom at work and cried for about ten minutes. My special place. Being destroyed.



During the Bible study, I felt like God was whispering to me, something about moving to the coast. I've wanted to for some time. This oil spill thing makes me want to go even more. For some reason, the more awful things that happen down there (Katrina, oil spill, etc), the more I feel DRAWN there. Weird, I know.

I prayed that if it was God's will for us to move there, He'd show me. I logged onto AT&T's site and found that they are indeed hiring at the Ocean Springs center again. There are many problems with this plan, though: 1. Dav would have to find a job. There's a TV station in Biloxi but I'm not sure if they're hiring, 2. We are in a lease on our apartment through next May.

So maybe, I'm not meant to move there any time soon, but mark my words. I will be living on the coast before too long. I just can't shake the feeling. I need a change.

I don't want to be away from my family and friends, but it's really only 2 1/2 hours away, not that far at all.

We'll see.

Sleep

"When i get home the band will have its first hit song
You and i will buy some rings and a suburban home
I'll bring home the bacon bits
We'll make our parents grandparents
I'll take you out the breakfast at night
And then we’ll go to sleep." - Lagwagon

At Warped Tour one time about six or seven years ago, Dav serenaded me with this line while Lagwagon played. We were still crazy newlyweds. It still makes me smile.

I've had a lot of health issues throughout my life, especially lately. As such, I've decided to create a "spin off" blog entitled My Life as a Hypochondriac (lifeasahypchondriac.blogspot.com). I've decided to keep the tone of this blog a little more upbeat, or at least, to quit complaining about my health issues all the time on this particular blog. If anyone is interested in my ongoing woes, jump on over to that page.

Thanks.

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner review/aka Stephenie Meyer has redeemed herself

WARNING- CONTAINS SPOILERS*****


Yesterday, I picked up a copy of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Saga novella, The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. At first, I thought this was just a money grab for SM, trying to capitalize even more off the popularity of the franchise, but then I saw that she was going to post it online in its entirety for free, and also donate a portion of the proceeds from the book purchase to the Red Cross. That, combined with the fact that I am a Twilight nerd, prompted me to go to Borders at midnight on Friday night/Saturday morning to pick up a copy as soon as it became available.

Even though I'm addicted to the series, I have several complaints about it. With the series as a whole, I really felt like Bella's character did not develop very well. Her character felt a little flat to me. It's like, I get it, she's a clumsy, awkward teenager. I get it. She finds Edward attractive, but does she have to mention how gorgeous he is, every single time she sees him? Furthermore, she is willing to give up everything and everyone she has in her life, and possibly her soul, to marry and have hot vampire sex with a guy she has only known a few months. She is needy and clingy and the exact opposite of a role model. Edward is not much better. He is jealous and possesive and quite immature to be over 100 years old.

Carlisle, Esme, and the rest of the Cullens (with perhaps the exception of Rosalie) seem much more human than Bella ever did. I love their family, and I like the Quileutes too.

The conclusion of the Twilight Saga left much to be desired. In the end, needy, clingy Bella gets everything she wants: her hot vampire husband, immortality, her perfect family, a house, a fancy car and clothes, AND a child!!! Which vampires aren't even supposed to have. Breaking Dawn builds up to a climax and then falls flat. Bella has learned nothing from everything that has happened, except perhaps that it is possible for her to love someone as much or more than Edward (Renesmee). She ends up as a vain version of her former self.


And then there's Bree.

Not much is known about Bree Tanner, as the book begins after she has already been a newborn vampire for about three months. She was a runaway, about fifteen years old, and living on the streets of Seattle. She ran away from home to escape an abusive father and was lured by vampire Riley, who offered her a cheeseburger. She had been dumpster diving for a while and fell for it. She was turned into a vampire, along with about twenty other young people, locked in a house during the day, and left to run free through the streets of Seattle and murder innocents in fits of bloodlust.

She befriends Diego, a fellow newborn (he's been a vampire for about a year). They develop a friendship that develops to a crush level. Together, they find out that their leader, Riley, has been lying to them in order to control them all and build an army for sinister purposes. They try to devise a plan to escape after they find out that it's OK for them to be outside in the daytime. Diego still trusts Riley and wants to confront him. Bree doesn't hear from him in a while and Riley leads her to believe that he is off, doing recon work or something like that. She is naive and trusting, knowing very little about vampire life, as she has been kept in the dark, both figuratively and literally.

Eventually, Bree finds out that Diego, her only true friend since she was turned, was murdered by Riley for knowing too much about their true nature. Bree ends up in the war against the Cullens. She had been misled into thinking the Cullens were evil as well, and that it was basically a turf war for the blood of the people of Seattle (more lies from Riley). The rest of the newborn army is murdered, including Riley and Victoria, and Bree is taken hostage. The Cullens have offered to take in Bree as part of their family. By this point, Bree knows that Diego was murdered and that she was tricked into fighting against the Cullens and Bella, who are innocents. She has nothing left. She wants to die. Even though the Cullens offer to take her in, the Volturi decide she must be killed. In the end she does die. Prior to her death, however, she tells Edward (via his telepathy) that the Volturi have been plotting against his family and were behind the attack. By doing this, she redeems herself.

I knew from the beginning the outcome of the story. What I didn't expect was that SM would create a character that I would become so interested in, in 200 pages, that had more depth than other characters in which she has written over 2000 pages about. This book has gore and violence, what you expect from vampire books, but that's not the only reason I liked it so much. Even though so few details were provided, I felt like I knew Bree. She was a very unlikely hero. It didn't have the "happy ending," but I liked that too, because that's not how life works.

Superficial nature wearing thin.
I can`t seem to begin.
What really do I see when I stare back at me?
As crushing time reveals my foe,
Inheriting all woe.
Solutions in the past,
Conditioned not to ask.
It`s what you`re meant to be,
Your name and number.
Be all that you should be.
You will recover things you haven`t lost,
Because they don`t see you like you think they do.
PLEASE JUST BECOME YOU.
"Release your fear" is what he said.
This all came to a head.
Feel cheated out of you,
Tradition follows through.
Though I can`t see how this will end,
I know that you will always pull me through.
My soul went searching for a cause
But came back empty-handed.
The emptiness you see...Building a better me