improvements and modifications

Things are looking up. Though my back is still hurting me as I type, there's hope. My new internist at my mother in law's clinic prescribed me some tramadol for the pain (which does little more than make me nauseous) and also referred me to a pain management clinic. They have been giving me trigger point steroid injections. I've had two sessions. They sedate me with Versed (I don't fall completely asleep-I just don't care). I lie on my stomach on a table and they give me shots of steroids in my back. The first treatment made me feel like I'd been hit by a truck for about 24 hours. I'm not allowed to drive the day of the treatment, so I take the day off work and sleep. The next day, I feel brilliant and 100% pain free. The first one gave me relief for about a month. The second one only lasted about two weeks. They (surprise) xrayed my spine and found a bracket that my surgeon had missed. This may mean a third surgery for me. I'm rolling with the punches. They said that they may also try some sort of patches. Not sure yet.

I quit taking my antidepressants and I feel like a human being again. My shrink is no longer in network, so I can't see him anymore. I had to give up my Xanax and I went through mild withdrawals. I regret to say that, due largely to work stress and family drama, I've started smoking again. Only about two or three cigs a day though. I'll quit soon.

Good things have happened. Dav got a huge promotion at work. He is now a manager. We are making huge strides financially. He is about to have his truck paid off. Our apartment lease expires next May. I also turn 30 next year. I'd really love a house for my birthday :-) We've been looking at real estate and things are looking good. The only concern is the down payment. Something will happen. I want to own a place of our own, and one day have children. John Randal and Mary Margaret :-) Thoughts like this make me smile.

Well, I'm about to eat this Marie Calendar pasta medley and call it a night. Au revoir for now.

I'm not sure how much more I can handle.

The back pain has returned with a vengeance. I had such a horrid weekend, some of the worst pain since my last surgery. My orthopedist has pretty much said that there's nothing else he can do (short of more surgery, which wouldn't help at this point). No drugs help, and I am spiraling into a deep depression. Also, I am starting to feel my left arm go out again (the numb and tingly thing). I'm not sure what else to do.

I have an appointment with a new doctor at my mother in law's clinic next week. I'm not sure what they're going to do. Maybe recommend more physical therapy? I can't sleep. I'm so tired. The antidepressants that my shrink put me on have done little except give me the libido of a dead fish. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die, either. Between the work stress, the pain, and the constant go go go of the weekends, I never get any rest. I need to take a vacation, but my work won't let me. I don't know what to do, but I cannot continue on at this rate. My body is going to give out on me. It's already starting to do so.

I'm 28 and I cannot see dealing with this for another 50-60 years (if I'm lucky enough to live that long).

what's been going on....

Greetings, after a 2+ month hiatus....

So, my body has been treating me a little bit better lately. About six weeks ago, I had two wisdom teeth extracted and dealt with dry socket for four weeks. It was tantamount to me having a headache (ie, the back pain), and then dropping a hammer on my foot. The pain from the dental work was so intense.... it was the worst pain of my existance (including the two spine surgeries). No meds helped the pain. Not to mention, I had to work in a call centre and speak to customers all day when I could barely open my mouth. Not easy. If I had taken time off work, it would have meant no pay because I was out of vacation time.

Soooo... things are better now. Brian moved out of our place and I'm relishing the privacy. Things have been a little tight financially, but Dav got a better job with Mississippi Public Broadcasting and is still working part time at 16 WAPT. I'm just getting a little stressed, as I am getting closer and closer to 30, and we still haven't been able to buy a house yet. There's always a little something stopping us. We've agreed to buy a house before we have a baby. I feel like my time is running out. I don't want to be almost forty with a young child. Time is running out..... I need to take drastic actions NOW. We are working on getting debt free (no small feat) and Dav's parents have offered to assist us with the down payment on a home (we make too much money to qualify for zero down - scoff. Like we make that much).

Anyway, I suppose that is it for now. Dav and I just celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary. I feel so old... but I wouldn't have it any other way, other than him by my side :-)

I hate my body, and I'm not just talking about the near 30 pounds I've packed on as a result of the myriad of anti-depressants I've been on. I hate that it hurts every single day and no one knows why. I hate that I've seen a rheumatologist, an orthopedist, a shrink, a therapist... no one knows why it's happening, and no one has offered me any relief. None at all. Nothing works. Lorcet scarcely even works anymore, and OTC stuff sure as hell doesn't. My body is a sinking ship, and no one can save it. I want to hurt it even more. My body has betrayed me, and all I want is an MF'ing answer. Is that too much to ask?

Oh yeah... and the physical therapists wont take my insurance.

I'm now the office pariah...

So, about four months ago at work, we had a shift bid and I was assigned a new manager and a few new faces that I sat near (I work in a call center of a couple hundred). The gal that sat next to me (across the cube wall) and I struck up an instant "office friendship" (we never hung out outside of work but we were very friendly). She is a huge Twilight fan too. She and I were really cool. She kept joking around that Dav and I need to go ahead and have kids since we've been married so long.

Then.

I had a series of panic attacks at work. Two or three over the course of a few days. I have a myriad of mental health problems: obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety, depression, and rapid cycling bipolar disorder. Well, I've finally found a combination of meds that seem to work (two anti depressant/ssri's, two benzos- xanax and klonopin, and an antipsychotic for the bipolar - abilify). Anyway, ever since then... this gal has turned cold toward me. Half the time, she doesn't even answer me when I have a question. When she does, she usually gives short, facetious responses. Gone are the days of banter about cute celebrities and Twilight and True Blood. The people that sit around me have seemed less friendly lately, too. I even asked her one day why she never joked about me having children anymore and she basically said she thought I was too crazy for kids. At first, I thought she was kidding, but then she told me I needed to work some things about before I had kids (sorry I didn't get pregnant in high school).

Anyway... this really sucks. People are really cold and rude toward me for no reason. I want to say something about it. Anytime she says something facetious, I'll fire something just as snarky (joking) back at her, and she gets pissed. She can dish it out but can't take it. I can't stand the work environment I'm in. Every once in while, she is nice to me! I'm starting to wonder if SHE'S bipolar.

I could do the easy thing and cry racism (I am one of the few caucasians that work in my office), but I just really don't think that's it. Everyone is so rude to me, though. Another gal that sits near me is called by everyone I work with "Tricky." I called her that one day and she yelled at me, "You don't know me like that!!" Later that day, she asked me for a favor and I said, "Well, I don't know. Apparently I don't know you like that."

How can I deal with this in a Christlike way? I'm sick of being run over, but at the same time I don't want to be unnecessarily rude or a tattle tale. She isn't harrassing me; she is just being really cold and distant. This sucks.

XXXXXXXX

I think I'm really going to do it this time.

I popped a Klonopin today at work. It made me feel so tired. It didn't feel good any more. I'll be honest - I take one almost every day. They are prescribed, but sometimes I take them when I don't exactly *need* them. Same with my rx pain pills (though I only have one left). I had spine surgery and had a few stashed away. I also take ambien to sleep. I don't like being dependent on drugs. I don't like the way they make me feel... very tired.

I also drink about 2-3 beers almost every day. I'm really going to try to quit now. Quit it all. I'm taking the klon out of my purse and putting them in the medicine cabinet. I'm going straight edge.

I must be crazy. I don't think I've gone a day without taking SOMETHING (or having a drink) in months if not over a year. I am very scared. I know I am not going to be able to sleep tonight. Sigh. Maybe I should keep on with the ambien until my weekend, that way, if I can't sleep, I can rest the next day.

This is going to be hard as hell. What am I thinking? But I'm at least going to try.


Straight Edge!!!!!!!!
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Surgery

My heart hurts. It skips beats and falters. Some days I think it will quit beating altogether. One day, I believe, the Great Physician will anesthetize me. It will more than likely make others in my life very sad to see me in this state, but it is only temporary. He will remove my cold heart from my chest and remove the dead, weak parts. He will restore it. He will remove Anger, Cynicism, Bitterness, Jealousy, Hatred, Mistrust...all of the portions that caused my heart to grow weaker, as if removing bruises from a banana. I will no longer be encumbered by it. He will put this new heart back in my chest and start it beating again. He will then awaken me from my slumber. It will be as if hundreds of pounds have been lifted from my chest, nothing holding me back now. I will see His face for the first time, with new eyes. I will also see the faces of my beloveds. It will be as if no time had passed at all. Everything I've experienced prior to this point will be like a dream. I will see everyone's faces as they truly are-glorious and in the image of the Physician. Today is the first day of the rest of eternity.