improvements and modifications

Things are looking up. Though my back is still hurting me as I type, there's hope. My new internist at my mother in law's clinic prescribed me some tramadol for the pain (which does little more than make me nauseous) and also referred me to a pain management clinic. They have been giving me trigger point steroid injections. I've had two sessions. They sedate me with Versed (I don't fall completely asleep-I just don't care). I lie on my stomach on a table and they give me shots of steroids in my back. The first treatment made me feel like I'd been hit by a truck for about 24 hours. I'm not allowed to drive the day of the treatment, so I take the day off work and sleep. The next day, I feel brilliant and 100% pain free. The first one gave me relief for about a month. The second one only lasted about two weeks. They (surprise) xrayed my spine and found a bracket that my surgeon had missed. This may mean a third surgery for me. I'm rolling with the punches. They said that they may also try some sort of patches. Not sure yet.

I quit taking my antidepressants and I feel like a human being again. My shrink is no longer in network, so I can't see him anymore. I had to give up my Xanax and I went through mild withdrawals. I regret to say that, due largely to work stress and family drama, I've started smoking again. Only about two or three cigs a day though. I'll quit soon.

Good things have happened. Dav got a huge promotion at work. He is now a manager. We are making huge strides financially. He is about to have his truck paid off. Our apartment lease expires next May. I also turn 30 next year. I'd really love a house for my birthday :-) We've been looking at real estate and things are looking good. The only concern is the down payment. Something will happen. I want to own a place of our own, and one day have children. John Randal and Mary Margaret :-) Thoughts like this make me smile.

Well, I'm about to eat this Marie Calendar pasta medley and call it a night. Au revoir for now.

I'm not sure how much more I can handle.

The back pain has returned with a vengeance. I had such a horrid weekend, some of the worst pain since my last surgery. My orthopedist has pretty much said that there's nothing else he can do (short of more surgery, which wouldn't help at this point). No drugs help, and I am spiraling into a deep depression. Also, I am starting to feel my left arm go out again (the numb and tingly thing). I'm not sure what else to do.

I have an appointment with a new doctor at my mother in law's clinic next week. I'm not sure what they're going to do. Maybe recommend more physical therapy? I can't sleep. I'm so tired. The antidepressants that my shrink put me on have done little except give me the libido of a dead fish. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die, either. Between the work stress, the pain, and the constant go go go of the weekends, I never get any rest. I need to take a vacation, but my work won't let me. I don't know what to do, but I cannot continue on at this rate. My body is going to give out on me. It's already starting to do so.

I'm 28 and I cannot see dealing with this for another 50-60 years (if I'm lucky enough to live that long).

what's been going on....

Greetings, after a 2+ month hiatus....

So, my body has been treating me a little bit better lately. About six weeks ago, I had two wisdom teeth extracted and dealt with dry socket for four weeks. It was tantamount to me having a headache (ie, the back pain), and then dropping a hammer on my foot. The pain from the dental work was so intense.... it was the worst pain of my existance (including the two spine surgeries). No meds helped the pain. Not to mention, I had to work in a call centre and speak to customers all day when I could barely open my mouth. Not easy. If I had taken time off work, it would have meant no pay because I was out of vacation time.

Soooo... things are better now. Brian moved out of our place and I'm relishing the privacy. Things have been a little tight financially, but Dav got a better job with Mississippi Public Broadcasting and is still working part time at 16 WAPT. I'm just getting a little stressed, as I am getting closer and closer to 30, and we still haven't been able to buy a house yet. There's always a little something stopping us. We've agreed to buy a house before we have a baby. I feel like my time is running out. I don't want to be almost forty with a young child. Time is running out..... I need to take drastic actions NOW. We are working on getting debt free (no small feat) and Dav's parents have offered to assist us with the down payment on a home (we make too much money to qualify for zero down - scoff. Like we make that much).

Anyway, I suppose that is it for now. Dav and I just celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary. I feel so old... but I wouldn't have it any other way, other than him by my side :-)